Umm... Untitled?

Hi. 

I just wanna congratulate myself for reaching the age of 17. Yeay. From now on, I shouldn't be considered as kid anymore :) 

Tapi... as usual mungkin kedatangan gue di blog ini cuman sebagai pelampiasan doang. More like a place for me to just write my thoughts and let out my anger because I'm too coward to say it on real world. These days, kadang gue berpikir bahwa diri gue adalah a coward. Why? Karena gue sadar... ugh baru sadar tepatnya... kalo gue ngga berani untuk mengungkapkan apa yang sebenernya gue mau, butuh, dan/atau rasain. I'm not brave enough to say it directly so that makes me a coward.

Memang gue punya alasan tertentu untuk tidak melakukan hal itu, but it's a good reason. I just don't want to end up hurting other people's heart and all the things that come along with it.

Coward as in... Pengecut kalo di bahasa Indonesia. Entah kenapa, kalo di translate, kata itu jadi berasa lebih  jahat dan parah dari keliatannya. Well, maybe it's just me but I don't know.... *sighs*

Sebenarnya, masih ngga tau apa yang harus ditulis disini. Pikiran ini rasanya terlalu semrawut sampa ngga tau harus gimana lagi. Kadang gue pengen rasanya hidup tenang sehari with no phone, no call, no text, no distraction dari dunia luar. Tapi semua itu ngga mungkin gue lakukan tanpa membuat orang bingung atau malah lebih parahnya membuat orang sampe ada yang sakit hati. I know one person that might feel that way but maybe that person just won't admit it or maybe it's just me who only think that way or maybe I just don't know...

"Jahat ga, sih, kalo aku ngilang sehari dengan hp mati?  Hmm ngga sehari sih, pengennya selama liburan, which is 3 weeks hehehe" adalah kalimat yang belakangan ini sering gue ucapin ke temen-temen perempuan gue di kelas. 

Pernah ngga sih, ngerasa butuh break dari semuanya? Dari semua orang? Mostly because sometimes you're just tired of going through another day full of bullshit. Inilah yang sekarang lagi gue rasain. Pengennnnn banget liburan selama 3 minggu tuh bener-bener full refreshing sama keluarga without any distractions from 'outside world' (like I said before, no text, no phone call, no BBM, no FB, no Twitter, just plain nothing). 

Liburan yang benar-benar terasa liburan karena hp kita dalam keadaan OFF. Liburan yang benar-benar istirahat, mengistirahatkan badan dan pikiran. Liburan yang bisa membuat kita benar-benar merasa bebas. I want that. No. I need it. 

Tapi, seperti yang sudah gue katakan sebelumnya, gue terlalu coward. Terlalu pengecut untuk ngelakuin semua hal yang gue butuhkan ini. Terlalu pengecut karena takut 'ngga enak' sama orang lain. Terlalu pengecut karena terlalu banyak mengkhawatirkan hal-hal yang sebenernya ngga perlu. Terlalu pengecut karena takut bakal missing out on everything. Terlalu pengecut karena takut bakal dicap 'selfish' oleh orang lain.

Ada beberapa hal yang gue ga suka dari diri gue sendiri dan entah kenapa sampai sekarang I still can't get rid of it, salah satunya adalah... I worry too much about everything and I care too much about what people might think of me and I also think too much about every little thing that happens around me. I just... sometimes I don't even understand myself.

Oh and I miss being alone too. Consider myself as a loner but I don't really care. I know I'm a loner too sometimes but I can't do something about it. There's just something about being alone that can comfort me. Oh well...

Mungkin... Mungkin cuman ini yang bisa gue tulis sekarang. Mungkin cuman ini yang kepikiran untuk ditulis sekarang. Mungkin kalo nanti ada hal yang bener-bener ngeganjel, I'll write here again. 

Untuk semua yang baca ini, sekali lagi terima kasih karena masih mampu menyediakan waktu untuk ngebaca postingan yang sebenarnya pointless ini. And, hope you enjoy summer which will come in just a matter of weeks. Cheerio! 

Renungan Sabtu Malam #goshplease

Hi.

Gue akui dengan sepenuh hati bahwa blog ini ga terlalu keurus lagi sama gue hahaha.

Entah kapan terakhir gue nulis disini. Last post yang dipost beberapa bulan itu aja isinya cuman foto-foto di Jogja with my class mates last January. My God, entah gue yang terlalu males atau sibuk atau sok sibuk but really, I don't have much time to relax this semester. Tugas kelompok sana-sini, latihan padus sampe sore, dan berbagai macam hal lainnya yang sukses membuat gue uring-uringan ga jelas selama satu semester ini.

But put all the stressful work aside for a little while, hari ini alhamdulillah masih ada waktu buat duduk depan laptop dengan cukup santai dan menulis di blog ini lagi. Well, walaupun ga terlalu santai-santai bgt karena sudah ditunggu oleh buku sejarah dan b.inggris yang minta dirangkum karena bentar lagi ada ulangan -_- God...

Intinya, hari ini cuman mau memberi diri sendiri a little bit reality check aja sih. Gue merasa kurang puas dengan beberapa keputusan yang gue ambil beberapa bulan ini dan... like what I've done these months isn't good enough. Percuma juga sih kalo berharap I could turn back the time and change my decision and vice versa karena semua itu jelas-jelas ga mungkin. So, sekarang gue hanya bisa menjalani setiap harinya dan berdoa bakal ada jalan yang pas dan benar supaya gue bisa memperbaiki hal yang telah gue lakukan dulu gimana pun itu caranya.

Kadang gue diem di kamar sendirian dan took a little time buat merenung sebentar. And that's when all the things I have pushed to the back of mind comes back to the surface again and I feel guilty and sad all over again.

I miss everyone back home. I miss my big family and all my friends back in Jakarta. Mostly Amira. Gosh, I miss you so much it hurt, Mir. Our friendship of 11 years means a lot to me. Tho we don't live in the same city anymore, we still manage to keep our friendship going :') Cheers! :') And I miss everything I used to have back when I still lived in my hometown. I miss hanging out with my family every weekend. I miss going out with the cousins on holiday. I miss talking and laughing like lunatics about nonsense thing with them. I miss it so damn much :'(

Now here we are, years later, all grown up and even some of us are already married and having kids. It shocked me how time goes by so fast. Kadang gue suka berpikir "hah? Tahun ini ada yang mau dilamar lagi? Kok cepet banget?" dan gue hanya bisa bengong bentar ngebayanginnya.

Bahkan beberapa hari lagi gue bakal ulang tahun yang ke-17 dan October nanti kakak gue ulang tahun yang ke-20. God. Speaking of big brother, I miss him so much. Dia belom balik sebulan lebih karena sibuk praktikum dan banyak tugas dan I miss him. I miss jamming to our favorite songs and laughing our butts off while watching Running Man. Mudah-mudahan pas gue ulang tahun nanti, lo bisa balik ya bang. My 17th birthday won't be special without your appearance at home.

Dan sekarang, yang bisa gue lakukan adalah live my high school life to the fullest di Sukabumi karena tahun depan gue udah senior dan all I wanna do is to enroll at one of colleges in Bandung or Jakarta. But it better be in Jakarta so I could finally live in my lovely hometown again :* OR maybe somewhere out of this country. Because this is what I've been planning with my friends lately :D

Hmmm I think that's all. Ga terlalu banyak bacot deh yaa kali ini. Wish you have a wonderful weekend ahead. See ya later, fellas! :)

January 8th : Trip to Jogjakarta with SMAN 3 '14

What Should I Be? (Part 1: Doctor?)

First of all, this post and a few posts coming up with a related theme is inspired by my best friend, Amira. I got inspired by her posts about her dreams that she wants to pursue so I decided to make posts like that too. The reasons are... first, I feel like.. I need to let it out of my brain because it's been inside my head since God knows when and I can't let it hang there everyday, it could make my crazy. Second, maybe if I write and post about it, I could sort some things out and make up my mind about everything. Maybe I could think about everything more clearly and maybe I could get some more inspirations. Anyway, all credit of the theme of this post goes to the amazing Amira Nadia Sawitri who's been my best friend since Grade 1. Love you, bestie! <3 p="p">
So, here it is!

I'm a junior now in high school and I know what it means... I have to think about what college I want to go in the future, what I want to be in the future... basically every little thing that involves around college-talk. I used to have this talk like every night with my family but the more they bring up this subject every time we talk, the more I want to sit in the corner and just disappear from this world. I used to have everything I wanted clear inside my head, but now, I don't. Now, things like that get blurry. It's like the more I know about something that involves around college, the more I'm confused about what I should be in the future.

When I was still a kid, I wanted to be a doctor so bad. Well, I think that happens to everyone, doesn't it? Everyone when they're still a kid always dreams of being a doctor. But it changed when they get older. Well that doesn't change for me until I was a freshman in high school. I continued to dream of becoming a doctor, but it got harder everyday. I know that if I want to be a doctor, I should at least be 'friends' with Biology which is totally not my thing. I used to force myself to like Biology but it didn't work. I studied very hard when the exam came but still I got bad scores haha.

I used to work very hard for my Dad's sake because he's been telling me to not give up easily and motivated me but that didn't work. He kept telling me to not give up easily and to work harder than I already was. And I did it. I did it for him, Mom, my brother, and people around me. But somehow it didn't work for me, even after I used my family to be my motivation. Gosh. What happened to me?

In the end, I slowly stopped dreaming of becoming a doctor because I realize I'm not good enough to be one of them. Maybe, God has another plan for me and me becoming a doctor isn't one of His lists. Well, I had tried and worked very hard for it, right? I mean, it's not like I didn't do anything at all to pursue that. So I think, becoming a doctor isn't the thing I want to be in the future anymore.

Lesson Learned

Selamat Hari Raya Idul Fitri 1423 H. Mohon Maaf Lahir dan Batin :)

Oke ini emang udah telat banget but whatever deh ya. Resiko udah lama banget ngga ngepost disini deh kayaknya hmm. Tapi tidak ada kata terlambat untuk minta maaf kan? :D 
Anyway, as always gue disini bakal cuap-cuap seenak jidat gue yang lebar ini tentang hal yang baru aja melintas di otak gue.

Dan hal ini adalah... Penyesalan. 

Yap. Gue sadar bahwa gue telah melakukan hal-hal yang seharusnya ngga sama sekali gue lakukan selama beberapa bulan ke belakang ini. Selain itu, gue juga udah ngambil keputusan yang salah dalam beberapa hal. Dalam hal ini, yang paling kerasa adalah dalam urusan love life gue yang masih sangat dangkal. 

Hm mungkin roman-romannya gue bakal frontal disini tentang semuanya... Tapi ngga akan separah itu kok. Gue ngga akan nyebut nama kok hahaha ;)

So, here we go...

Sebagai pembuka, gue pengen nanya satu hal. Pernah ngga sih lo suka sama seseorang yang keliatannya itu 'wah' atau bener-bener 'out of your league' sampe lo sendiri udah positif banget kalo lo ngga akan pernah bisa sama dia kapanpun itu karena lo selalu berpikir bahwa you're not as beautiful as other girls dan lo itu invisible di mata dia... Ah pokoknya lo selalu berpikiran bahwa dia ngga mungkin bisa sama kita lah. 

Well... Hal ini terjadi sama gue. 

Dulu, gue pernah suka sama seorang senior yang cukup terkenal. Everybody knows him. Lots of girl adore him. Gue yang biasa-biasa aja ini suka sama dia tapi hanya sekedar suka doang. Being a secret admirer was enough for me back then. Tapi suatu malam gue dikagetkan dengan sms yang begitu mengejutkan dari salah satu sahabat gue. Di sms itu, sahabat gue bilang kalo si senior itu minta nomor gue dan nanyain gue. Refleks dong gue langsung pucet, kaget, seneng, semuanya campur aduk. I mean, I had always thought that there's no way he would know me... tapi ternyata? Kenyataan menyatakan sebaliknya. He finally knew me and text me that night. 

Sebelum si senior ini datang, gue lagi deket sama 1 orang. Dan untuk deket sama orang ini juga ga gampang. It took a lot of time for me to gain my courage to just say hi and/or smile to him. Orang ini jago main gitar dan... well, I just like him okay? Kalo nanya ke gue kenapa gue bisa suka sama dia, gue hanya akan menjawab 'tanya saja pada rumput yang bergoyang' karena gue sendiri ngga bisa mengungkapkan perasaan gue dengan kata-kata (whuttttt)

So, singkatnya. Put two and two together and BAM! Trouble and regrets came in my way. Gue jadi lebih pay attention pada si senior yang jelas-jelas sangat 'ngga pasti' dan nge-ignore si cowo yang 1 angkatan ini dan akhirnya penyesalan pun tiba. In the end, si senior kabur setelah ngasih harapan yang sangat palsu dan bullshit sedangkan si cowo yang 1 angkatan ini juga jadi galau gara-gara gue. Hhhhh

And that's it. Penyesalan emang baru kerasa belakangan and it sucks you know. Sekarang gue selalu ngerasa bersalah setiap ngeliat si cowo dan ngerasa sebel banget setiap ngeliat si senior.  Kadang-kadang pengen rasanya gue siram itu senior pake air -_- hahahaha peace! (Kalo kamu baca ini, ka, maafin deh ya. Maafin banget. Blog post ini juga mengandung unsur komedi kok :D)

Intinya... Kita ngga akan pernah sadar kalo ada orang yang bener-bener care sama kita dan mau nerima kita apa adanya (se-gaje apapun kita, se-cerewet apapun kita, se-weird apapun kita) sampai orang itu pergi menjauh dari kita. Mungkin kadang kita berpikir bahwa mereka akan balik lagi, tapi kalo ternyata mereka ngga balik lagi gimana? Kita mungin hanya bisa berharap bisa memutarbalikkan waktu supaya kita ngga ngelakuin hal itu dan ngulang semuanya lagi. But too bad we can't turn back the time and undo then fix everything the way we want it.

Mungkin beberapa dari kalian berpikir blog post ini konyol karena gue udah nulis sebagian kecil rahasia gue sendiri. Emang sih gue sendiri jg berpikir kayak gitu... Tapi gue pengen banget keluarin unek-unek ini dan pengen orang lain bisa ngambil hikmah dari hal yang udah kejadian sama gue ini. Gue harap orang lain bisa ngambil pelajaran dari post ini supaya mereka ngga ngelakuin hal yang telah gue lakuin di masa lalu.

Ummmm I think that's all from me. Mudah-mudahan post ini bermanfaat deh... Ya kalo ngga bermanfaat paling ngga agak sedikit menghibur lah hahaha XD Anyway, terima kasih banyak udah baca post ini. Hope you guys have a great day!!

Lots of love,