Renungan Sabtu Malam #goshplease

Hi.

Gue akui dengan sepenuh hati bahwa blog ini ga terlalu keurus lagi sama gue hahaha.

Entah kapan terakhir gue nulis disini. Last post yang dipost beberapa bulan itu aja isinya cuman foto-foto di Jogja with my class mates last January. My God, entah gue yang terlalu males atau sibuk atau sok sibuk but really, I don't have much time to relax this semester. Tugas kelompok sana-sini, latihan padus sampe sore, dan berbagai macam hal lainnya yang sukses membuat gue uring-uringan ga jelas selama satu semester ini.

But put all the stressful work aside for a little while, hari ini alhamdulillah masih ada waktu buat duduk depan laptop dengan cukup santai dan menulis di blog ini lagi. Well, walaupun ga terlalu santai-santai bgt karena sudah ditunggu oleh buku sejarah dan b.inggris yang minta dirangkum karena bentar lagi ada ulangan -_- God...

Intinya, hari ini cuman mau memberi diri sendiri a little bit reality check aja sih. Gue merasa kurang puas dengan beberapa keputusan yang gue ambil beberapa bulan ini dan... like what I've done these months isn't good enough. Percuma juga sih kalo berharap I could turn back the time and change my decision and vice versa karena semua itu jelas-jelas ga mungkin. So, sekarang gue hanya bisa menjalani setiap harinya dan berdoa bakal ada jalan yang pas dan benar supaya gue bisa memperbaiki hal yang telah gue lakukan dulu gimana pun itu caranya.

Kadang gue diem di kamar sendirian dan took a little time buat merenung sebentar. And that's when all the things I have pushed to the back of mind comes back to the surface again and I feel guilty and sad all over again.

I miss everyone back home. I miss my big family and all my friends back in Jakarta. Mostly Amira. Gosh, I miss you so much it hurt, Mir. Our friendship of 11 years means a lot to me. Tho we don't live in the same city anymore, we still manage to keep our friendship going :') Cheers! :') And I miss everything I used to have back when I still lived in my hometown. I miss hanging out with my family every weekend. I miss going out with the cousins on holiday. I miss talking and laughing like lunatics about nonsense thing with them. I miss it so damn much :'(

Now here we are, years later, all grown up and even some of us are already married and having kids. It shocked me how time goes by so fast. Kadang gue suka berpikir "hah? Tahun ini ada yang mau dilamar lagi? Kok cepet banget?" dan gue hanya bisa bengong bentar ngebayanginnya.

Bahkan beberapa hari lagi gue bakal ulang tahun yang ke-17 dan October nanti kakak gue ulang tahun yang ke-20. God. Speaking of big brother, I miss him so much. Dia belom balik sebulan lebih karena sibuk praktikum dan banyak tugas dan I miss him. I miss jamming to our favorite songs and laughing our butts off while watching Running Man. Mudah-mudahan pas gue ulang tahun nanti, lo bisa balik ya bang. My 17th birthday won't be special without your appearance at home.

Dan sekarang, yang bisa gue lakukan adalah live my high school life to the fullest di Sukabumi karena tahun depan gue udah senior dan all I wanna do is to enroll at one of colleges in Bandung or Jakarta. But it better be in Jakarta so I could finally live in my lovely hometown again :* OR maybe somewhere out of this country. Because this is what I've been planning with my friends lately :D

Hmmm I think that's all. Ga terlalu banyak bacot deh yaa kali ini. Wish you have a wonderful weekend ahead. See ya later, fellas! :)

What Should I Be? (Part 1: Doctor?)

First of all, this post and a few posts coming up with a related theme is inspired by my best friend, Amira. I got inspired by her posts about her dreams that she wants to pursue so I decided to make posts like that too. The reasons are... first, I feel like.. I need to let it out of my brain because it's been inside my head since God knows when and I can't let it hang there everyday, it could make my crazy. Second, maybe if I write and post about it, I could sort some things out and make up my mind about everything. Maybe I could think about everything more clearly and maybe I could get some more inspirations. Anyway, all credit of the theme of this post goes to the amazing Amira Nadia Sawitri who's been my best friend since Grade 1. Love you, bestie! <3 p="p">
So, here it is!

I'm a junior now in high school and I know what it means... I have to think about what college I want to go in the future, what I want to be in the future... basically every little thing that involves around college-talk. I used to have this talk like every night with my family but the more they bring up this subject every time we talk, the more I want to sit in the corner and just disappear from this world. I used to have everything I wanted clear inside my head, but now, I don't. Now, things like that get blurry. It's like the more I know about something that involves around college, the more I'm confused about what I should be in the future.

When I was still a kid, I wanted to be a doctor so bad. Well, I think that happens to everyone, doesn't it? Everyone when they're still a kid always dreams of being a doctor. But it changed when they get older. Well that doesn't change for me until I was a freshman in high school. I continued to dream of becoming a doctor, but it got harder everyday. I know that if I want to be a doctor, I should at least be 'friends' with Biology which is totally not my thing. I used to force myself to like Biology but it didn't work. I studied very hard when the exam came but still I got bad scores haha.

I used to work very hard for my Dad's sake because he's been telling me to not give up easily and motivated me but that didn't work. He kept telling me to not give up easily and to work harder than I already was. And I did it. I did it for him, Mom, my brother, and people around me. But somehow it didn't work for me, even after I used my family to be my motivation. Gosh. What happened to me?

In the end, I slowly stopped dreaming of becoming a doctor because I realize I'm not good enough to be one of them. Maybe, God has another plan for me and me becoming a doctor isn't one of His lists. Well, I had tried and worked very hard for it, right? I mean, it's not like I didn't do anything at all to pursue that. So I think, becoming a doctor isn't the thing I want to be in the future anymore.

Lesson Learned

Selamat Hari Raya Idul Fitri 1423 H. Mohon Maaf Lahir dan Batin :)

Oke ini emang udah telat banget but whatever deh ya. Resiko udah lama banget ngga ngepost disini deh kayaknya hmm. Tapi tidak ada kata terlambat untuk minta maaf kan? :D 
Anyway, as always gue disini bakal cuap-cuap seenak jidat gue yang lebar ini tentang hal yang baru aja melintas di otak gue.

Dan hal ini adalah... Penyesalan. 

Yap. Gue sadar bahwa gue telah melakukan hal-hal yang seharusnya ngga sama sekali gue lakukan selama beberapa bulan ke belakang ini. Selain itu, gue juga udah ngambil keputusan yang salah dalam beberapa hal. Dalam hal ini, yang paling kerasa adalah dalam urusan love life gue yang masih sangat dangkal. 

Hm mungkin roman-romannya gue bakal frontal disini tentang semuanya... Tapi ngga akan separah itu kok. Gue ngga akan nyebut nama kok hahaha ;)

So, here we go...

Sebagai pembuka, gue pengen nanya satu hal. Pernah ngga sih lo suka sama seseorang yang keliatannya itu 'wah' atau bener-bener 'out of your league' sampe lo sendiri udah positif banget kalo lo ngga akan pernah bisa sama dia kapanpun itu karena lo selalu berpikir bahwa you're not as beautiful as other girls dan lo itu invisible di mata dia... Ah pokoknya lo selalu berpikiran bahwa dia ngga mungkin bisa sama kita lah. 

Well... Hal ini terjadi sama gue. 

Dulu, gue pernah suka sama seorang senior yang cukup terkenal. Everybody knows him. Lots of girl adore him. Gue yang biasa-biasa aja ini suka sama dia tapi hanya sekedar suka doang. Being a secret admirer was enough for me back then. Tapi suatu malam gue dikagetkan dengan sms yang begitu mengejutkan dari salah satu sahabat gue. Di sms itu, sahabat gue bilang kalo si senior itu minta nomor gue dan nanyain gue. Refleks dong gue langsung pucet, kaget, seneng, semuanya campur aduk. I mean, I had always thought that there's no way he would know me... tapi ternyata? Kenyataan menyatakan sebaliknya. He finally knew me and text me that night. 

Sebelum si senior ini datang, gue lagi deket sama 1 orang. Dan untuk deket sama orang ini juga ga gampang. It took a lot of time for me to gain my courage to just say hi and/or smile to him. Orang ini jago main gitar dan... well, I just like him okay? Kalo nanya ke gue kenapa gue bisa suka sama dia, gue hanya akan menjawab 'tanya saja pada rumput yang bergoyang' karena gue sendiri ngga bisa mengungkapkan perasaan gue dengan kata-kata (whuttttt)

So, singkatnya. Put two and two together and BAM! Trouble and regrets came in my way. Gue jadi lebih pay attention pada si senior yang jelas-jelas sangat 'ngga pasti' dan nge-ignore si cowo yang 1 angkatan ini dan akhirnya penyesalan pun tiba. In the end, si senior kabur setelah ngasih harapan yang sangat palsu dan bullshit sedangkan si cowo yang 1 angkatan ini juga jadi galau gara-gara gue. Hhhhh

And that's it. Penyesalan emang baru kerasa belakangan and it sucks you know. Sekarang gue selalu ngerasa bersalah setiap ngeliat si cowo dan ngerasa sebel banget setiap ngeliat si senior.  Kadang-kadang pengen rasanya gue siram itu senior pake air -_- hahahaha peace! (Kalo kamu baca ini, ka, maafin deh ya. Maafin banget. Blog post ini juga mengandung unsur komedi kok :D)

Intinya... Kita ngga akan pernah sadar kalo ada orang yang bener-bener care sama kita dan mau nerima kita apa adanya (se-gaje apapun kita, se-cerewet apapun kita, se-weird apapun kita) sampai orang itu pergi menjauh dari kita. Mungkin kadang kita berpikir bahwa mereka akan balik lagi, tapi kalo ternyata mereka ngga balik lagi gimana? Kita mungin hanya bisa berharap bisa memutarbalikkan waktu supaya kita ngga ngelakuin hal itu dan ngulang semuanya lagi. But too bad we can't turn back the time and undo then fix everything the way we want it.

Mungkin beberapa dari kalian berpikir blog post ini konyol karena gue udah nulis sebagian kecil rahasia gue sendiri. Emang sih gue sendiri jg berpikir kayak gitu... Tapi gue pengen banget keluarin unek-unek ini dan pengen orang lain bisa ngambil hikmah dari hal yang udah kejadian sama gue ini. Gue harap orang lain bisa ngambil pelajaran dari post ini supaya mereka ngga ngelakuin hal yang telah gue lakuin di masa lalu.

Ummmm I think that's all from me. Mudah-mudahan post ini bermanfaat deh... Ya kalo ngga bermanfaat paling ngga agak sedikit menghibur lah hahaha XD Anyway, terima kasih banyak udah baca post ini. Hope you guys have a great day!!

Lots of love,

Recap

HI PARTY PEOPLE!!!

Look who's back in a better mood :D Oh please don't mind my last 2 posts. I was in such a crappy mood and needed to let it all out of my chest so... yeah. Not to mention that I was on my period when I wrote that hahahaha. Okay enough about that.

What to write... what to write...

Actually I don't have any specific topic and I don't wanna rant about my weird love life like I did on last 2 post... so I think I'm just gonna tell you what happened in my life these past two weeks.

On last Thursday (July 19), I went swimming with some of my classmates. We had a lot of fun. I did about 16 laps or few before finally playing games and taking pictures with them. Because it was still around 8am (yep we got there pretty early) and empty, so we could do anything like we owned the pool hahaha. Anyway here are the pictures! Oh by the way I'm the one who wear googles in the pics below.

And on last Saturday (July 14), I had the chance to hang out with my lovely big brother. We went to Bandung Super Mall that now is changed to Trans Studio Mall in Bandung. We watched The Amazing Spiderman 3D (again). Both of us had watched it twice and we're still not bored of watching it. I mean, I really like Andrew Garfield and my brother likes Emma Stone so... we decided to watch The Amazing Spiderman 3D over Ice Age 4. Oh and we bought coffee at J.Co and talked for a while as we waited for the movie.

Coffee time at J.Co with big brother

OH!!! And on Thursday evening right after I got home from swimming, I went online and chat with the amazing best friend of mine, Amira!!! We haven't talked in a while and I miss her a lot. Thank God we had time that day to talk. And I print-screened our goodbye XD

Yeah it was already around 7pm and I hadn't took a bath yet. That's why she called me 'Miss Smelly' XD

Okay, I think that's all from me today. I don't know when I will write here again because school will start again on Monday which is in 2 days and I just started to write a new story again and I have to focus on school so... let's hope my brain won't explode. See ya!

P.S. Check this Windows Down music video by Big Time Rush. Amazing video, amazing song. Enjoy!

Bangkai

Sepandai-pandainya orang menyimpan bangkai, pasti akan ketauan juga.

Setiap gue baca penggalan kalimat di atas itu atau sekedar denger salah satu temen gue ngomong kayak gitu, hati gue itu rasanya kayak disayat-sayat. Miris banget. Hati itu kerasa sakit banget, dada sampe agak sesek juga, kuping langsung panas, dan rasanya pengen buru-buru kabur aja.

In this case, gue bukan orang yang pengen nge-skakmatin seorang lawan jenis... Well, actually, yeah. Gue emang pengen nge-skakmatin seseorang yang beberapa minggu ini lagi cukup deket sama gue dan tiba-tiba menghilang begitu aja.

I'm not gonna tell you and ramble about the whole story, tapi intinya, sekarang ini gue lagi sakit hati. Bawaannya mumet terus, pengen marah-marah, dan kadang-kadang suka pengen nangis kalo mendengar lagu tertentu. Yep, emang lebay kedengarannya, but this is true. These are what I've been feeling these days. I've also been in such a crappy mood.

Okay, singkatnya, gue itu bagaikan bangkai yang disimpan rapat-rapat di dalam lemari dan orang itu berharap kalo orang lain ga akan mengetahui gue. Dia adem-adem aja gitu, acting like I'm not existed in his world, acting like I'm a stranger, menghilang tanpa kabar selama 10 hari (yep I counted the days) dan tiba-tiba BAM! Dia tiba-tiba muncul begitu aja disaat yang ga tepat.

Jujur ini sebenernya udah ga tau mau nulis apa lagi disini, I just have to clear my mind and writing here is the first time that came in to my mind....

Dear You,

Aku saranin kamu berpikir yang jernih lagi deh. Oke you can disappear as long as you want to and not contact me for days but you don't have to cut me off like that, you know. Aku tau kamu bingung, mumet, dan lain-lain, aku ngerti banget. Tapi kamu mending pikir-pikir lagi deh. 

Kamu tau peribahasa  "Sepandai-pandainya orang menyimpan bangkai, pasti akan ketauan juga." kan? Emang kamu mau aku terus-terusan jadi bangkai? Sadar ga sadar, lama-lama kalo gini terus bakal ketauan juga. So now, I think you better think again and make your choice! 


Okay, don't mind that. Don't mind this post. You can stop reading if you want to because I'm going to stop now. See ya.

Could It Be Love?

Dear You,

We’ve been doing this for what? A few weeks now? I don’t know. I probably lost count of the days. ... Um, no. I didn’t lose count of the days. It’s been 4 weeks now. Yep, it’s been 4 weeks since the first time you text me, since I ignored you because I thought I might be doing the wrong thing, since I couldn’t think clear. 

But then, I think about it all over again today. I’m not doing the wrong thing. I’m not. I just realized that I still like you. I just buried those feelings inside because… well, you know what that is, right? Someone made me bury all the feelings I have for you inside. But now… look at what happened to us? No, not us, but you and I. I just can’t use the word ‘us’ just yet. 

It’s kinda funny if you think what happened right now. I was the one who used to watch you from the distance, watch your every move, watch you talking and laughing with your friends… but now? I think it’s you who watched me having the exam with my friends, coming into my class on the finals week, smiling to me when you have the chance to. 

My best friend said I’m a fool for waiting for you, for taking this kinda seriously, for thinking too much about this, but I can’t help it, you know. I care about you, I’m just shy to admit it. You have said that you care so much about me and you say a lot of nice things about me… Wow. You are the first person who has the guts to tell me that you miss me… and I’m just too shy to say it back to you.

Okay, let me make it quick. I like how you keep in touch with me all the time. I like how you try to find a time to call me, to just hear my voice because you miss me. I like how you keep me late at night to just watch the soccer with you. I like how we talk and laugh over silly, random things in our conversation. I like how you always say goodnight and other sweet things before I sleep. I like getting phone calls with you. I like talking with you for over 1 hour on the phone. I like how you make laugh with your own silliness. I like how you always come up with weird nicknames for me. I like every little thing about you. 

I think I like you… and I don’t know when I will say it to you like you have always said it to me in every text. 

 Thank you for making my days so colorful. 

Sincerely,

Me.

Everybody Got Issues

Hey. I don't exactly remember when the last time posted here, but whatever. So I have a week off of school and after having second thoughts for a few times, I finally decided to write here again. Anyway, a lot of unexpected things have happened to me this week, and to be honest, I feel sad and scared for no apparent reason. I don't really know how to say it, besides putting it into a story. From this short, 1-shot fiction story, I also want to say sorry to all people who might think that I hate them, especially this girl I knew ever since the first year of high school started. I know you guys might think that I'm a coward for not saying it in person, but I have my reasons to not do that. I don't wanna make things worse, and this is the only thing that came up to my mind.


"Dear I, 
I want you to know that all the things I posted on my Twitter a few days ago weren't about you. You have nothing to do with it. It's about somebody else that clearly isn't you. Don't worry, because I have no reason to do that to you and I wouldn't do that to you. You've been such a great friend for me you know that."

Anyway, here's the story.

I sat by the window in my room as I watched the kids playing tag on the street. They were chasing each other, laughing, and having fun. While I, on the other hand, watched them from my window with a painful look on my face. I pulled up my knees to my chest and hugged it tightly. 'Cover Girl' by Big Time Rush blasted loudly from the speaker of my laptop. For the first time, I felt worse by hearing this song. I know this song should actually make the listeners feel good, but it didn't happen to me today. I felt like wanna cry. Tears were already in the corner of my eyes when the door of my room slammed open. I turned and saw Matt, my big brother, standing there in the doorway with a small smile on his face.

"You look sad." He said as he walked into my room and sat on the space next to me. I shrugged my shoulders and looked out at the street again, "You know, I'm here if you wanna talk."

A loud sigh escaped from my mouth as I turned to face him, "Actually I wanna talk to you about something. Well, not 'talk' actually, I just want you to hear me and say a few words if it's needed." I spoke and he shrugged his shoulders casually, "I've been in a crappy mood this weekend."

"I can see that." He replied shortly as he pulled out his phone and locked his gaze at the screen.

"Well, you know how I hate being called fat, right? No. Not only me, but every girl hates that. And for the thousandth time in my life, I hate being called that. Yes, I know I look fat, my cheeks are chubby, and I gain some weight. But, really? You can't keep telling me that every time, right? I know that I'm fat, okay? You don't have to tell me that." I took a sharp, short breath before continuing my words, "I'm sick of people telling me that. What's their point of telling me that? To make me diet so I can lose some weight? If that is their reason, well it's not working. It's only making me feel worse than I already was. Seriously, I just want everybody to shut up about it. I'm sick of people telling me that."

He was about to open his mouth and say something but I cut him, "What happens to 'don't call every girl fat even if you're joking'? I think people should really remember that next time."

"You're not done, are you?" He asked, turning his head to see me, and I shook my head at him, "Well then, go on."

"And I wrote on my Twitter about how I hate people who keep telling me what to do and such, and one of my best friends thought that it was about her just because we were texting about her trying to get me a boyfriend a few minutes before I wrote that on Twitter. She replied me and I replied her back that it wasn't her but until now, I still have this feeling that she may still think that it's about her. And now, I'm afraid that she will hate me and leave me alone." I rambled as tears started to well up in my eyes again. I couldn't think about it without tears in my eyes. The thought of her leaving me was... painful and scaring the hell out of me. I don't wanna be ignored and left out again in my life.

I went silent and that's when he started to speak, "First of all, I'm gonna say that you're the most insecure person I've ever known. You need to stop that, you know. Every girl is beautiful in their own way. You're beautiful on your own way. Don't listen to those people who tell you that. Just ignore them, okay?" I looked down at my hands when he said that, "And about that whole Twitter 'drama', I guess the most important is, you already clarified that it wasn't for her. Say sorry that it wasn't for anyone from your Twitter land."

I wasn't really satisfied on what he said. But I was glad that he listened to me when I was talking though he was acting like he wasn't listening. It felt nice to finally let it all out of my chest... without tears falling out of my eyes. I know how these things can make me cry, because I've done it once or twice before. I did that because I kept the things in my chest and didn't talk with anyone. I only wrote it on my journal and hoped that my journal could suddenly come alive and talk to me. So the things I did were put some sad songs on and cry. It's pathetic, I know. I can't talk about it with my Mom because I'm too shy so the only option is my big brother who lives outside the town.

"Anyway, thank you for listening, big brother." I said to him with a small smile.

"Yeah, you're welcome."

-The End-

So, that's it. First of all, I'm sorry for any wrong grammar and spelling mistakes. Second, not all parts in this very short story is real, but some of it are really happening to me. Third, thank you so much for reading this crappy post. Last but not least, see you on the next post and hope you all have a nice day!

Stop The Tape and Rewind.

Where do I start?
I have a lot of things to say, but I don't think I can put all of it in words.

A lot of things have happened in my life for these past few months. I went to Tarakan, East Kalimantan, with my family and 3 aunts. To be honest, it was such a great trip. I was in need of getting away from my life for a while, and going to Tarakan with my family was a nice escape. We went there for my Dad's friend's daughter wedding. I didn't really take any pictures when I was there, so I couldn't leave any picture here (except photos of me and my big brother). Tarakan was a nice place. I met some of my parents' old friends. We had dinner together with them and my parents seemed to have a 'reunion' thingy with them. By the way, Mom took these pictures below:

I was there for about 2 days. The flight was long, tiring, and boring. But thank God I brought one of my favorite novels and bought 'The Last Song' by Nicholas Sparks at Periplus book store when we were waiting for flight to home in Balikpapan.

Then there's this a huge event at my school that's finished a few weeks ago. It called 'Gebyar Smantie Cup XVI'. There were a dance competition, soccer, singing, etc. But I got the chance to be one of the people who took care of the English Competition Week VI that was held by our English Club, SENTURY (Smantie English Culture and Society).

This year's mascot and one of the dancers at the opening ceremony of GSC XVI.

Intan, Ghalda, and me.

And here are some pictures of me and Intan. We took these pics on recess time. We were extremely bored but we didn't bring any laptop so we decided to just use my phone to take pics lol.

And I watched this amazing play yesterday with my school mates. It was really amazing honestly. When the show was done and we all went home, it was raining hardly. So I decided to stop by at McDonalds to have some late lunch ALONE. But that afternoon, McD was so crowded and I sat with chicken burger and a cup of cold milo on the table all by myself in the corner of the room. A few friends that knew me asked 'Hey, you here alone?' and I just answered 'yeah hahaha' with a sad smile on my face. Pathetic much? XD lol.

Oh and I've been writing a lot of stories again lately. As I'm getting busier with school each day, this feeling inside of me keep telling me to leave some time to write. So I do it. I write on my phone and then copy it to my laptop. Anyway, I've also been thinking to start writing novel again. The last time I try to write a novel was a few years ago when I was still in middle school. But yesterday after talking with Ressa (one of Rushers from Indonesia), I told myself to continue writing it. I have stopped writing it since the second semester started. Well, I guess I really have to start writing again if I want to make one of my dreams come true.

I just posted one of my Big Time Rush fan fictions yesterday. The latest part was already posted. I posted this morning right after I woke up. So, if you guys read it, please leave me some comment. I need to know what you guys think of it. You can leave the comment on the comment section below the post, or you can catch me up on my twitter (@mynameislela). Feel free to comment anything (but please don't be rude or harsh at me). Constructive comment is always welcomed ;) and pardon for any wrong grammar or anything. English is not my mother language,  but I'm trying my best to write in English.

Check out this awesome video below! It's Carlos and friends' version of "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen music video. This video is so hilarious! Enjoy!



So, I think that's all from me. Thank you so much for reading my blog and, again, I'm sorry for any wrong grammar or spelling. See ya later! Hope you have a great day and weekend!

Page 9 of 366

Page 9 of 366: School has just started again :(

Tadinya berharap bakal bisa bangun tidur dan berangkat ke sekolah dengan semangat and a smile on my face, tapi nyatanya engga sama sekali. Tadi pagi tuh bener-bener ga semangat. Bolak- balik ke kamar buat nyiapin buku & keperluan lain buat sekolah aja udah malesnya bukan main. Otw ke sekolah, gue heran sendiri. Kenapa orang lain bisa tersenyum dengan tulus dan lebar di hari pertama sekolah tapi gue engga? Sebaliknya gue sibuk ngabarin Ghalda kalo udh otw ke sekolah & menghela napas keras-keras.

Begitu liat gerbang smantie, mood cuman naik sedikit. Ghalda & temen2 X-8 yg lain udah pada duduk-duduk santai di deket gerbang. Gatau kenapa gue sama sekali ga kangen sama suasana sekolah. No offense yaa temen2 smantie, gatau gue nya ga normal & weird atau karena gue masih blm puas dgn hari libur yg dikasih dari sekolah-_-" what the hell happened with me?

Setelah bertapa di bawah pancuran sambil dengerin iPod (?), bisa dibilang penyebab kenapa gue ga semangat adalah karena gue ngerasa liburan kali ini tuh bentar banget. Ditambah lagi, pertambahan peningkatan waktu yang gue rasain sama sekali ga normal... bingung dengan yg satu ini? oke gue jg. As example, gue baru sekolah 6 bulan di SMAN 3 tapi udah ngerasa kalo gue tuh udh 1 tahun disana. Seumur2 baru pertama kali ngerasain yg kyk gini. Belum lagi, sistem SKS yang diterapkan untuk angkatan gue dan gue ngerasa hal itu merupakan 'beban'.

Tapi dari semua itu sebenernya yg paling utama adalah penjurusan. Tbh gue masih bingung mau masuk IPA/IPS. Nilai IPA gue lumayan, tapi cuman Kimia doang yg 2 angka dibawah  Matem, Bio sm Fisika. Sedangkan nilai IPS gue sejajar sm nilai Matem Bio sm Fisika kecuali Sejarah sm Sosio yg gede sendiri di sana -,-"

Pengen masuk IPA karena pengen nantinya masuk Kedokteran (cause being a doctor is the thing that I always wanna be since I was only 4 years old) tapi dipikir2 harus kuat Bio nya dan di IPA banyak saingan, dan I'm not sure if I really can pass the test dan gue jg sayang sama itu nilai Sejarah sm Sosio yg unggul daripada yg lain di rapot. Pengen masuk IPS karena nilainya gede, tapi kan gue pengen masuk Kedokteran. Jadi? GALAUUUU-___-"

So, today was just a weird day. Idk why I feel kinda numb today. Before I leave, I'm gonna leave you some photos of me, Ghalda, and Intan.

Penggalauan Hari Sabtu

Gue tau mungkin gue terlihat sebagai anak yang males dengan duduk di depan laptop with my headset on dan blogging kayak gini. Besides, hari ini itu udah Sabtu dan besok Minggu dan mulai hari Rabu nanti gue udah mulai UAS. I know what I'm supposed to do right now. Ya gue tau gue harusnya mulai nyicil ngerjain tugas dan start studying for my final semester test, tapi tangan gue gatel banget pengen ngetik dan kepala gue rasanya udah mau meledak. I gotta clear my head asap. Biasanya yang gue lakuin adalah ngambil blackbook (sebuah diary dgn cover hitam, hadiah dari Mail bulan May lalu) dan mulai nulis, tapi apa daya, tangan udah males banget nyorat-nyoret dan blog udah kepampang di tab mozilla saya.

Lagi-lagi gue menghabiskan numberless hours of surfing the internet dari mulai selesai makan siang dan do my chores as a daughter. Pertamanya, emang asal-asalan dari mulai ngecek Twitter, Facebook, trus liat-liat blog orang. Dan gue pun akhirnya landing di blognya Nadia, seorang pelajar Indonesia yang baru balik dari Amerika beberapa bulan lalu setelah homestay di FL selama setahun. Nadia emang terbilang cukup jarang blogging karena udah kelas 12 tapi gue tetep setia nunggu dia blogging. Post dia yang paling baru (Adil...?) langsung membuat gue mikir berkali-kali tentang apa yang gue cita-citain dan gue pengen lakukan selama ini.

Yang saya pengen bicarain di sini sekarang adalah... diri saya sendiri. Gimana saya belom bisa tau akan potensi dan kemampuan yang saya miliki dan seperti apa masa depan yang saya inginkan. Saya itu seorang anak perempuan yang mempunyai cita-cita yang tinggi. Dari TK saya selalu bercita-cita bahwa saya tuh akan menjadi dokter dan menolong orang-orang di rumah sakit. Tapi semakin saya besar, saya punya hobi baru. Saya mulai suka menulis. Orang bilang, follow your passion and heart. Keliatannya mudah tapi sebenernya susah.

Saya mencoba menuruti passion saya dengan menjadi penulis, tapi pekerjaan sebagai penulis itu bukan pekerjaan tetap yang akan terus menerus saya geluti hingga saya tua. Jadi penulis itu nggak gampang. Butuh waktu yang cukup lama untuk menulis sebuah cerita dengan alur yang pas, diksi yang benar, dan lain-lain. Dari SMP sampai sekarang, saya selalu bilang pada diri saya sendiri kalau suatu saat nanti saya akan menerbitkan sebuah novel. Tapi nyatanya, dari SMP kelas 1 sampai sekarang saya belum menyeleseaikan satu novelpun. Yang ada saya malah terus-terusan menulis di Mibba dan Fanfiction.net bukannya menyelesaikan si calon novel itu yang sudah terabaikan.

Lalu, dari kecil saya selalu bercita-cita untuk jadi dokter. Semakin saya besar, saya tau kalo jadi dokter itu nggak mudah. Saya harus bisa Biology dan belajar dengan sangat giat supaya nilai-nilai saya bagus. Belajar giat juga bisa dibilang tantangan karena pasti selalu aja ada rasa malas yang menghantui. Belum lagi orang-orang lain yang lebih pintar dari saya yang tentunya sangat banyak karena saya sekolah di SMA 3 Sukabumi, dan saya tau saingan saya itu bukan orang-orang yang sembarangan.

Trus saya juga pengen banget ikutan AFS. Keluarga saya otomatis langsung men-support saya begitu saya bilang hal ini. Tapi, ada satu yang agak menghalangi. Saya mendapat tawaran untuk masuk kelas Aksel kalo nilai-nilai saya di rapot memuaskan. Tawaran yang cukup gila sebenernya. Saya masih ingat bagaimana ekspresi saya hari Sabtu beberapa bulan lalu itu ketika saya dan beberapa teman sekelas saya digiring ke kantor wakasek kurikulum. Mata saya langsung berkaca-kaca (tanda akan senang, sedih, dan lain-lain) dan dada yang terasa sesak begitu memikirkan semua hal yang sudah rencanakan semenjak saya masuk SMA.

Tadinya saya langsung berpikiran bahwa akan lebih baik kalo saya masuk kelas Aksel (tentu saja harus kerja keras karena nilai saya harus LULUS semua) karena dengan masuk kelas Aksel akan lebih mudah untuk masuk ke perguruan tinggi karena katanya 100% siswa aksel mendapat snmptn undangan. Tapi ternyata setelah dipikir-pikir lagi, bukan itu yang saya inginkan. Saya ingin menjadi dokter tapi sekolah tetap 3 tahun malah kalo bisa ikutan program AFS. Masalahnya sekarang adalah.... apa saya bisa? apa saya yakin pada diri saya sendiri?

See? Penggalauan banget ngga sih itu. Mana ini post isinya random banget lagi x_x Hhhh -_- okay, I think I better stop typing and take a nap. My eyes are starting to hurt and my back is aching. See ya!

Rambling

I'm tired. 

Actually, that's all I feel right now. That word describes how I feel all this time. It's been a few months since I officially became a high school student and I feel really tired. I mean, 'tired' is the only word that describes EVERYTHING -,-

School's been REALLY hectic and I'm about to tear all my hair out right now :/

Since I became a high school student, my life is way too organized. If you ask me where I would be at 7pm,  I'm gonna answer that I would be sitting in my room, doing all my homework with my laptop & music on. If you ask me where I would be at 1pm, I'm gonna answer that I would be on my way to home.

I actually don't know what to write at this moment. My brain is just too asdfghjkl and all I needed to see is just this blank page of a new entry. I honestly think that I should really update this blog after a few weeks.... so here I am right now.

All I really need is a few weeks of holiday. I really need to relax, get some proper sleep, have fun with my family and such. I need to take a break from all of this stuff.... but I know I would only get a few weeks of holiday on December which is still a month away. I really need to watch some brand new movies at the cinema and buy some new books!!!! But yeah, I still have to wait until December because if I buy it right time, I would get distracted by those things and wouldn't touch my text books. Poor me.

Um I think that's all from me. Like I said before, I think I don't have anything to write so I just ramble about everything. Thanks for reading and I'm so sorry for all the wrong grammar, spelling, and such. You can tell me, though, if you find those shits in this post or my previous posts. Constructive comments are always welcomed and appreciated ;)

Peace out!

Lela :)

High School Kid

High school is just so tiring. I get a lot of homework everyday and count those exams and silly quiz every single day. And the pressure I get at class and school.... Phew. It's just... I'm glad to be a high school kid but I never thought that it would be this hard and tiring. Sometimes I really feel like wanna pull my hair out. It's just.... so frustrating sometimes :(

 So, I've became a high school kid for about 2-3 months right now.... and I don't know how to feel about that. Well, yes, I'm happy. Heck, I'm so happy about it. I got into my brother's former high school and it's just... I think I made my parents a bit proud of me by becoming a student there. Well, I don't really have to worry about that anymore, but the future is the thing I'm worrying about right now.

Again, I'm in the middle of making discussion that would affect on my future. And my teacher just said it to me yesterday morning. I was in the middle of talking with Dea and suddenly the teacher called me along with 3 other students to the teacher's room. I was so surprised that day because I never became one of those students who got called to the teacher's room. And that time, in only a few minutes, I had to make up my mind on everything. I just said 'yes' with tears welling up in my eyes and a grey big cloud in my head. It was so frustrating.

When I got home, I was bombarded by questions from my parents. They asked me if I want it or not, and yeah, they gave me a pep talk about that stuff. They told me to make sure that I make a right decision for myself. Hah. My life couldn't be any worse than this -____-"

OKAY. So let's just stop this. I just gotta have this thing out of my head sooner so yeah I decided to just write here. Besides, I'm just so in the mood to write :) By the way, wish me luck for my exam, test, quiz, and everything related to school :p lol. Soooooo see ya!

Love,

Lela.

When Future Takes Over Your Mind

Well, hi! I know it's been a month or more since the last time I blogged here and I'm sorry for that. Actually, I don't even know if people are really reading and checking my blog, but whatsoever. I just like posting here and I'll keep posting even it's only once a month. Well, it depends on my mood. Lately, I'm not in a very good mood. The things that will boost my mood up are only music, Mibba, and somethings about my family. Anyway, let's talk about the thing based on the tittle of this entry.

So, it's already summer, that's what people called it, or 2 weeks short vacations for me and I've been staying in my lovely hometown, Jakarta for like 3 days. Yesterday, my Dad got a call from my Aunt that she wants to talk with me and my brother. Actually, I had no idea about the thing she's going to talk about, but I know I have to meet and talk with her because the curiosity got the top of me. FYI, I can't handle my curiosity and I get curious so easily. Ok back to the topic.

At noon, I got at her house and yada yada yada. I'm too lazy to talk about that intro or whatsoever that called. Let's just get to the point. Oh by the way, this post may be long because I'm going to write what's in my head these few hours. Actually, I'm planning to write it on my diary (what? don't say that you guys aren't writing on diary again) but because I totally forgot to bring it, I decided to just write it here.

My Aunt and her daughter talked with me (and my brother) about the whole high school and college thingy. To be honest I'm so interested in that topic. I just love it when people ask or talk to me about my future and my plans for it. It makes me feel that I have somebody that care about me and my future. They told me to keep my grades up in high school and if I can, I would join AFS. Actually, I don't know what AFS stands for and I'm too lazy (again) to Google it, so you guys can totally Google it and find it by yourself :D (my laziness has taken over of me :p)

AFS. That's the point why I'm writing right now. I got so curious about that AFS thingy and decided to Google it when I got at my Grandma's this evening. Well, my brother has told me a little about AFS before, but I didn't really get his point that time.

So, I opened the official website of AFS and got the official website of AFS's foundation in Indonesia or something like that. Well, you might get my point on that last sentence. So, let's keep on going. I read the news and you know, just surfed that website, trying to get a lot of information about the student exchange stuff. The most interesting thing about study abroad is I'm going to get new experiences, friends, and get out of my comfort zone. That's it. It'll be challenging to live overseas without your parents and sister/brother for 10, almost 11 months. I've been dreaming about that since my brother told me about that which is 2 years ago.

I read Nadya's blog, she's one of the students that got the opportunity to study in Florida, USA for 10 months. I was stunned and a bit shocked when I read her blog. Well, I know that it'll be a long way to get that, but I didn't think that it would be that long. She beat about eight hundreds people, maybe more or less. Then I think about it.

I'll have to beat about eight hundreds people from my own country and I don't think if I can beat them. They must be very smart students on their school while I'm not as smart as them. It's just.... you know, I feel like if I still go for it, it would only waste my time and money because I think I won't get it. I already feel hopeless by only reading her blog about her journey. Yes, I know that I may get a lot of supports from my big family if I try. But what if I fail? I would only make them disappointed, right? :(

Okay, I'm going to stop here before I get too far 'cause I'm already dying and crying a little bit inside by only thinking about it. It sucks :( So, see ya on the next post!

Peace out!,

Lela :)