What Should I Be? (Part 1: Doctor?)

First of all, this post and a few posts coming up with a related theme is inspired by my best friend, Amira. I got inspired by her posts about her dreams that she wants to pursue so I decided to make posts like that too. The reasons are... first, I feel like.. I need to let it out of my brain because it's been inside my head since God knows when and I can't let it hang there everyday, it could make my crazy. Second, maybe if I write and post about it, I could sort some things out and make up my mind about everything. Maybe I could think about everything more clearly and maybe I could get some more inspirations. Anyway, all credit of the theme of this post goes to the amazing Amira Nadia Sawitri who's been my best friend since Grade 1. Love you, bestie! <3 p="p">
So, here it is!

I'm a junior now in high school and I know what it means... I have to think about what college I want to go in the future, what I want to be in the future... basically every little thing that involves around college-talk. I used to have this talk like every night with my family but the more they bring up this subject every time we talk, the more I want to sit in the corner and just disappear from this world. I used to have everything I wanted clear inside my head, but now, I don't. Now, things like that get blurry. It's like the more I know about something that involves around college, the more I'm confused about what I should be in the future.

When I was still a kid, I wanted to be a doctor so bad. Well, I think that happens to everyone, doesn't it? Everyone when they're still a kid always dreams of being a doctor. But it changed when they get older. Well that doesn't change for me until I was a freshman in high school. I continued to dream of becoming a doctor, but it got harder everyday. I know that if I want to be a doctor, I should at least be 'friends' with Biology which is totally not my thing. I used to force myself to like Biology but it didn't work. I studied very hard when the exam came but still I got bad scores haha.

I used to work very hard for my Dad's sake because he's been telling me to not give up easily and motivated me but that didn't work. He kept telling me to not give up easily and to work harder than I already was. And I did it. I did it for him, Mom, my brother, and people around me. But somehow it didn't work for me, even after I used my family to be my motivation. Gosh. What happened to me?

In the end, I slowly stopped dreaming of becoming a doctor because I realize I'm not good enough to be one of them. Maybe, God has another plan for me and me becoming a doctor isn't one of His lists. Well, I had tried and worked very hard for it, right? I mean, it's not like I didn't do anything at all to pursue that. So I think, becoming a doctor isn't the thing I want to be in the future anymore.

Lesson Learned

Selamat Hari Raya Idul Fitri 1423 H. Mohon Maaf Lahir dan Batin :)

Oke ini emang udah telat banget but whatever deh ya. Resiko udah lama banget ngga ngepost disini deh kayaknya hmm. Tapi tidak ada kata terlambat untuk minta maaf kan? :D 
Anyway, as always gue disini bakal cuap-cuap seenak jidat gue yang lebar ini tentang hal yang baru aja melintas di otak gue.

Dan hal ini adalah... Penyesalan. 

Yap. Gue sadar bahwa gue telah melakukan hal-hal yang seharusnya ngga sama sekali gue lakukan selama beberapa bulan ke belakang ini. Selain itu, gue juga udah ngambil keputusan yang salah dalam beberapa hal. Dalam hal ini, yang paling kerasa adalah dalam urusan love life gue yang masih sangat dangkal. 

Hm mungkin roman-romannya gue bakal frontal disini tentang semuanya... Tapi ngga akan separah itu kok. Gue ngga akan nyebut nama kok hahaha ;)

So, here we go...

Sebagai pembuka, gue pengen nanya satu hal. Pernah ngga sih lo suka sama seseorang yang keliatannya itu 'wah' atau bener-bener 'out of your league' sampe lo sendiri udah positif banget kalo lo ngga akan pernah bisa sama dia kapanpun itu karena lo selalu berpikir bahwa you're not as beautiful as other girls dan lo itu invisible di mata dia... Ah pokoknya lo selalu berpikiran bahwa dia ngga mungkin bisa sama kita lah. 

Well... Hal ini terjadi sama gue. 

Dulu, gue pernah suka sama seorang senior yang cukup terkenal. Everybody knows him. Lots of girl adore him. Gue yang biasa-biasa aja ini suka sama dia tapi hanya sekedar suka doang. Being a secret admirer was enough for me back then. Tapi suatu malam gue dikagetkan dengan sms yang begitu mengejutkan dari salah satu sahabat gue. Di sms itu, sahabat gue bilang kalo si senior itu minta nomor gue dan nanyain gue. Refleks dong gue langsung pucet, kaget, seneng, semuanya campur aduk. I mean, I had always thought that there's no way he would know me... tapi ternyata? Kenyataan menyatakan sebaliknya. He finally knew me and text me that night. 

Sebelum si senior ini datang, gue lagi deket sama 1 orang. Dan untuk deket sama orang ini juga ga gampang. It took a lot of time for me to gain my courage to just say hi and/or smile to him. Orang ini jago main gitar dan... well, I just like him okay? Kalo nanya ke gue kenapa gue bisa suka sama dia, gue hanya akan menjawab 'tanya saja pada rumput yang bergoyang' karena gue sendiri ngga bisa mengungkapkan perasaan gue dengan kata-kata (whuttttt)

So, singkatnya. Put two and two together and BAM! Trouble and regrets came in my way. Gue jadi lebih pay attention pada si senior yang jelas-jelas sangat 'ngga pasti' dan nge-ignore si cowo yang 1 angkatan ini dan akhirnya penyesalan pun tiba. In the end, si senior kabur setelah ngasih harapan yang sangat palsu dan bullshit sedangkan si cowo yang 1 angkatan ini juga jadi galau gara-gara gue. Hhhhh

And that's it. Penyesalan emang baru kerasa belakangan and it sucks you know. Sekarang gue selalu ngerasa bersalah setiap ngeliat si cowo dan ngerasa sebel banget setiap ngeliat si senior.  Kadang-kadang pengen rasanya gue siram itu senior pake air -_- hahahaha peace! (Kalo kamu baca ini, ka, maafin deh ya. Maafin banget. Blog post ini juga mengandung unsur komedi kok :D)

Intinya... Kita ngga akan pernah sadar kalo ada orang yang bener-bener care sama kita dan mau nerima kita apa adanya (se-gaje apapun kita, se-cerewet apapun kita, se-weird apapun kita) sampai orang itu pergi menjauh dari kita. Mungkin kadang kita berpikir bahwa mereka akan balik lagi, tapi kalo ternyata mereka ngga balik lagi gimana? Kita mungin hanya bisa berharap bisa memutarbalikkan waktu supaya kita ngga ngelakuin hal itu dan ngulang semuanya lagi. But too bad we can't turn back the time and undo then fix everything the way we want it.

Mungkin beberapa dari kalian berpikir blog post ini konyol karena gue udah nulis sebagian kecil rahasia gue sendiri. Emang sih gue sendiri jg berpikir kayak gitu... Tapi gue pengen banget keluarin unek-unek ini dan pengen orang lain bisa ngambil hikmah dari hal yang udah kejadian sama gue ini. Gue harap orang lain bisa ngambil pelajaran dari post ini supaya mereka ngga ngelakuin hal yang telah gue lakuin di masa lalu.

Ummmm I think that's all from me. Mudah-mudahan post ini bermanfaat deh... Ya kalo ngga bermanfaat paling ngga agak sedikit menghibur lah hahaha XD Anyway, terima kasih banyak udah baca post ini. Hope you guys have a great day!!

Lots of love,

Sebuah Cerpen: Terlalu

Bali, 25 May 2012.

Angin pantai yang bertiup cukup kencang dan desiran ombak yang begitu menenangkan menemani Melisa yang duduk termenung di ayunan kayu tepat di halaman belakang beach house yang ia tempati bersama teman-teman kuliah dan beberapa sepupunya. Waktu sudah menunjukkan pukul 10 malam tetapi Melisa sama sekali belum mengantuk. Well, mungkin ia sudah cukup mengantuk tapi beberapa hal yang tidak berhenti menghantui pikirannya membuat Melisa tidak bisa tidur sama sekali. Ira, sahabatnya sejak SMA, akan sedikit kesal jika ia tahu bahwa Melisa lagi-lagi terbangun oleh hal yang sama sejak beberapa minggu yang lalu.

“Mel,” Oh there she comes… “Lo belom tidur?” Tak lama kemudian, Ira duduk di sebelah Melisa dan menghela napas keras.

“Ngga bisa tidur, Ra.” Lagi-lagi Ira menghela napas begitu mendengar jawaban Melisa.

“Hmm let me guess… Pasti Aryo lagi, ya?” Pertanyaan Ira langsung membuat Melisa tertunduk. Ia menghela napas dan menganggukkan kepalanya. Tentu saja Ira tahu bahwa Aryo dalang dari semuanya. Aryo lah penyebab Melisa kurang tidur dan mimpi buruk yang terus menerus mendatangi Melisa selama beberapa minggu ke belakang. Bukan hanya itu, Aryo juga yang menyebabkan Melisa lebih pemurung dan pendiam.

Sejak Aryo ‘menghilang’, hari-hari Melisa terasa lebih mendung. Yang ia lakukan setelah pulang kuliah hanyalah diam di kamar sambil memainkan blackberry-nya atau diam di depan TV sambil makan ice cream dan tissue bertebaran di sekelilingnya.

“Udahlah, Mel. Jangan dipikirin lagi. Orang kayak gitu sama sekali ngga pantes buat lo pikirin. Move on lah, Mel,” ucap Ira dengan pelan sambil memperhatikan figure Melisa yang masih menunduk.

“Ah, andaikan move on segampang itu, Ra…” Melisa mendongak dan hanya bisa tertawa hambar begitu mendengar perkataan sahabatnya itu. Entah sudah berapa kali Ira mengatakan hal yang sama pada Melisa tapi tetap saja Melisa belum ingin berubah. Ia masih stuck di tempat yang sama, stuck di tempat yang gelap dan penuh oleh kenangan-kenangan yang tidak ada henti menghantui dirinya.

Bandung, 18 Maret 2012.

“Mel!! Awas!!!” Begitu mendengar namanya dipanggil, Melisa langsung membalikkan badannya dan BUK! Sebuah bola mendarat tepat di wajahnya. Seketika itu juga wajahnya langsung terasa sakit dan kepalanya pusing, “Mel? Lo gapapa, kan?” terdengar suara Ira yang semakin mendekat.

“Hm, lumayan, Ra. Langsung puyeng gini kepala gue.” Sebelum bisa berkata apa-apa lagi, Melisa merasa ada seseorang selain Ira yang membantunya berjalan menuju bangku terdekat dan membantunya duduk, seakan-akan jika mereka melepaskan Melisa, ia akan langsung jatuh dan pingsan.

Melisa masih belum bisa menyadari apa yang terjadi saat itu. Ia sedang mengecek binder tebalnya untuk memastikan bahwa ia tidak meninggalkan apapun di ruang workshop tapi begitu sedang berjalan di sekitar lapangan bola, tiba-tiba ada seseorang yang memanggil namanya dan sedetik kemudian sebuah bola langsung mendarat di wajahnya.

“Tadi siapa sih yang nendang bola sekencang itu sampe bisa kena muka gue?!” tanya Melisa dengan sewot sambil mengusap-ngusap wajahnya yang terasa panas dan sedikit perih.

“Itu si Aryo, Mel,” jawab Rendra, pacar Ira. Melisa langsung mengkerutkan dahinya begitu mendengar nama Aryo. Oh… ternyata si Aryo, toh. Pantesan kencang banget, batin Melisa dalam hati, “Tau Aryo, kan?” tanya Rendra.

“Ya, taulah, Ren. Dulu kan si Melisa pernah suka.” Refleks, Melisa langsung menginjak kaki Ira dengan kencang, “Aw! Sakit, dodol!”

“Hah? Apa? Pernah suka? Cieeee,” sambar Rendra sambil tertawa yang langsung membuat Melisa kesal seketika.

“Duh, udah deh, ya, yang lalu ngga usah dibahas. Emang sih dulu pernah suka, tapi udahlah, itu kan dulu. Ngga usah dibahas lagi lah…” Melisa menghela napas keras dan menggelengkan kepalanya tidak percaya. Ia memang dulu pernah suka dengan Aryo, tapi itu dulu. Semua itu terjadi sebelum Melisa mengetahui bahwa Aryo sudah punya pacar dan sebelum Mario hadir.

“Speaking of the devil… Itu orangnya nyamperin,” bisik Ira dengan cukup keras yang tidak bisa langsung dicerna dengan Melisa. Melisa hanya mengerutkan dahinya dan menoleh ke belakang.

Benar saja apa yang dikatakan Ira beberapa detik yang lalu. Aryo berjalan dengan cukup cepat ke arahnya sambil membawa tas ransel abu-abunya dan kacamata yang biasa ia kenakan sehari-hari. Tanpa disadari, Melisa mulai merasa aneh. Jantungnya berdegup beberapa kali lebih cepat, tenggorokannya seketika kering, pipinya terasa panas, dan kepalanya terasa sedikit pusing. Ya Tuhan… Melisa, tenangin diri lo! Tarik napas dalem-dalem, Mel, batin Melisa sambil menarik napas perlahan dan menghembuskannya lewat mulut.

“Uhhh, hi. Gue Aryo,” ucap Aryo dengan perlahan sambil menggaruk belakang lehernya dan tersenyum kecil.

“Melisa,” ucap Melisa dengan suara yang sedikit serak dan buru-buru ia berdeham.

“Gue tau kok,” Melisa langsung mengkerutkan dahinya lagi. Sejak kapan Aryo tahu namanya? Melisa tahu pasti bahwa selama ini Aryo tidak pernah mengenal dirinya. Meliriknya sedikit saja tidak pernah, apalagi tahu namanya?, “Eh itu… Tadi… Maaf ya. Gue sama sekali ngga nyangka tendangannya bakal sekencang itu sampe bisa kena muka lo segala.” Aryo menjelaskan dengan raut wajah yang cukup serius, seakan-akan ia benar-benar merasa bersalah karena telah menendang bola itu terlalu kencang.

“Uh, iya, ngga apa-apa kok. Santai aja,” Melisa tersenyum miris lalu tertawa hambar. Duh, Mel, jelas-jelas lo itu jelas ngga gapapa. Muka perih gini masih bisa bilang gapapa. Ya ampun, batin Melisa lagi dalam hati dan seketika ingin rasanya ia menghilang dari permukaan bumi ini karena malu.

“Makanya, bro, lain kali kalo nendang bola jangan pake emosi. Santai aja lah,” sambar Rendra sambil tertawa kecil dan Melisa melihat seulas senyum kecil mengembang di wajah Aryo.

“Iya, iya. Kejadian kayak tadi jelas-jelas ngga akan kejadian lagi, lah. Tenang aja.” Aryo tertawa kecil dan melirik Melisa yang sedang mengusap-usap dahinya yang terus berkeringat, “Hm, gue duluan ya. Harus ke toko buku dulu sebentar, ngambil titipan kakak. Dah…” Aryo tersenyum lagi dan melambai pada Melisa, Rendra, dan Ira sebelum akhirnya berjalan menjauh ke tempat parkir.

Setelah Aryo menjauh, Melisa menghela napas keras dan menggaruk lengannya yang sama sekali tidak terasa gatal, “Mel, lo harus tau kalo tadi muka lo sempat merah dan pucat.” Melisa langsung kaget begitu mendengar perkataan Ira.

“Seriusan, Ra?” Ira hanya mengangguk dan Rendra malah tertawa, “Eh, malah ketawa lagi! Udah sana! Hus hus hus! Bukannya jam 11 ada kelas, ya? Sekarang udah jam 11 kurang 10 menit juga.”

“Oh iya! Ya ampun! Dah, Ira!” Rendra mengacak-acak rambut Ira terlebih dahulu sebelum akhirnya berlari masuk ke dalam gedung.

Melisa terdiam lagi begitu Rendra sudah pergi. Ia langsung terjebak dalam pikirannya yang sudah semrawut. Dan kehadiran Aryo selama beberapa menit itu juga membuat pikirannya tambah semrawut. Sudah 3 bulan lebih ia tidak memikirkan Aryo lagi, bahkan melihatnya di daerah kampus pun jarang, tapi kali ini tiba-tiba Aryo memasuki pikirannya lagi, membuat hatinya berdegup lebih kencang hanya dengan memikirkannya saja, membuat pipinya bersemu merah hanya dengan mengingat senyum kecil yang tadi diberikan Aryo kepadanya.

“Mel, inget Mario,” ucap Ira dan langsung membuat Melisa untuk menunduk dan malu pada dirinya sendiri. Mario. Tentu saja Melisa mengingat Mario. Laki-laki yang ia temui di awal semester ini, laki-laki yang bisa membuat perasaannya tidak karuan, laki-laki yang bisa membuatnya semangat dan tersenyum lagi di tengah-tengah harinya yang kacau, laki-laki yang bisa mengubur perasaannya untuk Aryo jauh dalam-dalam di tempat paling bawah di hatinya selama beberapa bulan sampai hari ini.

Tapi kali ini, untuk beberapa saat saja, Melisa tidak ingat Mario sama sekali. Nama ‘Mario’ pun tidak terbesit sama sekali di hati dan pikirannya begitu ia melihat wajah Aryo dan senyum yang mengembang di wajahnya.  Bahkan untuk pertama kalinya setelah sekian lama, nama ‘Aryo’ lah yang membuatnya tersenyum, bukan Mario.

Bali, 29 May 2012.

“But you didn’t have to cut me off. Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. And I don’t even need your love. But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough…” Melisa mematikan iPodnya dan menghela napas keras-keras. Ia sudah tidak kuat mendengarkan lagu itu lagi. Liriknya terlalu menyakitkan bagi dirinya. Dulu ia hanya tertawa begitu kakaknya, Miko, mendengarkan lagu tersebut dengan raut wajah yang cukup menyedihkan. Tapi sekarang, hal itu yang justru terjadi pada Melisa sendiri.

Melisa bangun dari tempat tidurnya dan berjalan menuju jendela besar yang langsung menghadap ke pantai. Terlihat Ira, Rendra, Miko, dan 2 sepupunya sedang bermain voli pasir dan tertawa-tawa riang… dan hanya Melisa yang tidak ada disana. Ia tahu mengapa tidak ada yang membangunkannya sama sekali dan mengajaknya untuk bergabung. Mereka semua tahu bahwa Melisa merasa tidak enak badan dari kemarin siang dan hanya diam dan istirahat di rumah.

“Melisaaaa!!! Bangun!!!” Terdengar teriakan Miko dari luar. Melisa membuka jendela besar yang sekaligus berfungsi sebagai pintu itu—dan berjalan menghampiri Miko yang menunggunya di pantai, “Tumben banget jam segini baru bangun. Biasanya lo suka bangun paling pagi,” ucap Miko begitu Melisa datang menghampirinya dan duduk bersama Ira di atas pasir.

“Semalem tidur sekitar jam 11an dan itu pun masih kebangun sampe tengah malem. Belum lagi hidung yang ngga berenti meler. Yaaa harap maklum lah.” Melisa tertawa kecil dan Miko hanya menghela napas.

“Eh, hari ini kita mau ke Waterbom, loh. Mau ikut ga?” tanya Ira sambil menguncir rambut panjangnya yang sudah mulai lepek.

“Ikut!!! Kalian gila, ya, mau ninggalin gue ke Waterbom gitu aja?!” sambar Melisa sambil sewot.

“Kan kemaren bilang lagi ngga enak badan, ya udah, mending istirahat aja di rumah,” timpal Rendra sambil mengambil bola voli yang terjatuh tidak jauh dari tempatnya duduk.

“Udah, udah. Sana, gih, maen voli lagi!” ucap Melisa sambil setengah mengusir Miko dan Rendra yang tidak ada henti menganggunya. Miko dan Rendra hanya tertawa dan melanjutkan permainan voli mereka yang sempat tertunda.

“Gue semalem mimpiin Aryo lagi, Ra,” Melisa mengambil segenggam pasir dan memperhatikannya jatuh melalui sela-sela jarinya, “Di mimpi itu, gue, lo, Rendra, sama Aryo lagi nonton pertandingan basket antar-fakultas, trus tiba-tiba gue sakit perut gitu. Ternyata pas di cek, bekas jahitan operasi usus buntu gue kebuka lagi dan banyak darah gitu, trus tiba-tiba kita semua udah ada di rumah sakit gitu dan tiba-tiba Aryo ngilang gitu aja. Hm, pertanda apa, ya, Ra?”

“Penyebab lo mimpi kayak gitu adalah karena kemaren siang kita lagi ngomongin pertandingan basket Miko bulan lalu dan pas malemnya lo ngomongin Aryo. Makanya dia mampir ke mimpi lo tadi malem.” Jawaban Ira memang benar. Kemarin siang, kedua sahabat itu dan 1 sepupu Melisa menghabiskan waktu di rumah dan mengobrol tentang beberapa hal, termasuk tentang pertandingan basket Miko, “Eh, Mario apa kabar, Mel?”

Pertanyaan Ira langsung membuat Melisa tertegun. Apa kabar Mario? Sudah lama ia tidak menghubungi laki-laki itu… atau lebih tepatnya, sudah lama laki-laki itu tidak menghubungi Melisa. Terakhir kali Melisa melihat Mario adalah hari terakhir kuliah dan terakhir kali ia dihubungi Mario adalah 1 minggu yang lalu. Ya, benar, 1 minggu yang lalu.

“Ngga tau, Ra,” jawab Melisa dengan pelan, “Terakhir kali dia nge-contact gue itu 1 minggu yang lalu, pas dia ‘tanya’ pertanyaan itu, Ra. Setelah itu, gue ngga pernah denger apapun dari dia lagi. Terakhir kali itu, ada yang bilang ke gue kalo dia galau, Ra. Ya ampun, gue jahat, ya? Udah ngebuat anak orang jadi galau gitu.”

“Bukan salah lo juga, Mel. Kalo waktu itu lo jawab ‘iya’, lo bakal lebih ngerasa bersalah lagi, Mel. Mending ngerasa bersalah sekarang daripada lo jawab ‘iya’ dan ngga sepenuhnya bahagia dan mikirin dia. Bayangin apa yang bakal dia rasain kalo dia tau ternyata lo masih mikirin Aryo pas kalian pacaran. Nah itu bakal ngebuat dia lebih sakit lagi, Mel. Mending dia sakitnya sekarang daripada nanti di akhir dan ada kemungkinan dia bakal benci sama lo,” ucap Ira panjang lebar dan langsung membuat Melisa merasa semakin tidak enak. Andai saja Aryo tidak pernah masuk ke dalam hidupnya, pasti ia tidak akan menyakiti perasaan Mario.

Bandung, 25 Maret 2012.

Melisa duduk bersila di tempat tidurnya sambil menonton DVD Revenge season 1 yang ia beli satu minggu lalu. Bungkus corn chips, botol minum, binder, dan kertas tugas berceceran berantakan di tempat tidurnya. Jika Mama berada disini, pasti Mama akan marah besar melihat kamar anak perempuannya itu berantakan. Tapi Melisa tidak sedang mengkhawatirkan hal itu. Melisa sedang mengkhawatirkan blackberry-nya yang belum berbunyi sama sekali sejak siang tadi. Bahkan sampai ia selesai mengerjakan tugasnya pun, smart phone itu masih juga belum berbunyi. Walaupun ia sudah mengalihkan perhatiannya dengan menonton DVD, tetap saja perhatiannya terpusat pada smart phone yang masih bergeming itu.

Lo kemana sih? Kok sampe jam segini masih belum ngabarin juga?, batin Melisa sambil memeluk boneka Tazmania-nya yang besar itu. Entah takdir atau kebetulan, tapi beberapa menit setelah itu, ponselnya bergetar dan lagu Big Time Rush, Worlwide, melantun dengan cukup kencang. Melisa langsung menyambar ponselnya dan melihat layar, Aryo is calling. Tanpa basa-basi, Melisa langsung mengangkat telponnya, “Halo?”

“Hai, Mel. Maaf aku baru ngabarin lagi, dari tadi siang sibuk banget. Harus nyelesaiin tugas Pa Yono yang deadline-nya malam ini. Tapi sekarang semuanya udah beres kok,” ucap Aryo langsung membuat Melisa merasa tenang seketika. Mendengar Aryo berbicara panjang lebar sudah merupakan salah satu hobi nya yang baru. Ia bisa tahan mendengarkan Aryo berbicara panjang lebar tanpa merasa bosan sedikitpun. Justru, hal itu malah membuatnya merasa sedikit tenang.

“Iya, ngga apa-apa, kok. Santai aja lah, aku juga daritadi ngerjain tugas kok. Ini sekarang baru beres dan lagi santai.” Agak lucu bagaimana bahasa yang mereka gunakan terhadap satu sama lain sangat berbeda dari bahasa yang biasa mereka gunakan sehari-hari. Ketika mereka berbicara, bahasa yang digunakan lebih halus, nada yang digunakan lebih lembut, kata-kata yang dikeluarkan dari mulut masing-masing juga lebih dijaga. Melisa selalu berhati-hati agar tidak mengucapkan kata-kata yang seharusnya tidak ia ucapkan, takut akan merusak semua hal yang telah ia miliki selama ini.

“Oh, bagus lah. Kamu lagi apa, Mel? Udah makan? Aku tadi baru makan jam 8-an, loh, padahal tadi pagi ngga sarapan sama sekali dan tadi siang juga makannya telat.” tanya Aryo yang langsung membuat hati Melisa berdegup 2 kali lebih cepat dari biasanya dan pipinya merah seketika. Pertanyaan yang dikeluarkan dari mulut Aryo memang sangat sederhana. Tapi hal-hal sederhana seperti itulah yang membuat Melisa merasa bahagia.

“Ini lagi nonton TV aja di kamar. Tadi udah makan kok, sekitar jam 8-an,” jawab Melisa, “Kok bisa sampe ngga sarapan gitu? Emangnya ngapain aja? Males-malesan terus sih, ya, dikasur sampe lupa sarapan gitu. Padahal biasanya kalo urusan makan kamu suka langsung jalan…”

“Kan tadi pagi pas bangun langsung sms-an sama kamu. Udah gitu kamu juga ngga ngingetin aku buat sarapan lagi, jadinya diem terus, deh, di kamar,” jawab Aryo sambil tertawa dan Melisa pun langsung ikut tertawa juga.

“Hiiiii malah nyalahin lagi. Dasar, aneh-aneh aja sih. Yang penting lain kali jangan sampe lupa sarapan lagi. Nanti kondisi nge-drop trus sakit trus bolos kuliah. Jangan sampe lah, ya. Trus minum vitamin juga, ya. Sekarang lagi musim penyakit gini… Oh iya! Istirahat juga yang cukup,” jelas Melisa panjang lebar sambil memainkan boneka Tazmania-nya.

“Iya, Mba… Mulai, deh, bawelnya keluar lagi,” timpal Aryo yang langsung membuat pipi Melisa bersemu merah, “Kalo bawel itu, tandanya perhatian. Berarti kamu perhatian sama aku…”

“Ah, kata siapa? Kakak aku malah suka marah kalo aku bawel ngga jelas,”

“Justru bawel itu tanda orang perhatian…” tambah Aryo dengan santai, “Makasih, ya, kamu udah perhatian sama aku.” Pipi Melisa langsung memerah lagi, “Pasti pipinya langsung merah deh.”

“Ah, engga, biasa aja kok. Sok tau banget deh,” sergah Melisa, pipinya masih memerah. Lalu mereka berdua berhenti berbicara selama beberapa saat. Mereka hanya mendengarkan suara bernafas masing-masing. Bahkan kesunyian seperti itu membuat mereka nyaman terhadap diri masing-masing. Sebenarnya, Melisa tidak pernah menyukai ‘kesunyian’ saat berbicara dengan seseorang dalam telpon, tapi kali ini, entah kenapa hanya dengan mendengarkan suara napas Aryo, dirinya sudah merasa senang dan nyaman.

“Mel, aku boleh jujur sama kamu?” tanya Aryo secara tiba-tiba dan Melisa hanya terdiam. Diam tersebut diartikan Aryo sebagai ‘iya’, “Aku kangen sama kamu.” Kata-kata tersebut meluncur dengan mudahnya dari mulut Aryo dan hanya dengan 3 kata yang sederhana itu, jantung Melisa langsung berdegup sangat cepat dan ia merasa kebas. Jemarinya langsung bergetar dan napasnya tercekat. Tidak pernah ia mendengarkan seseorang mengatakan kata-kata itu kepadanya secara langsung.  Aryo lah yang pertama kali mengatakannya dan Melisa merasa sangat senang, seakan-akan ia langsung terbang ke langit ke-7.

“Aku kangen denger suara kamu, Mel.” Lagi-lagi, Melisa seakan terbang tinggi jauh ke angkasa. Dan Aryo lah yang membawanya terbang tinggi. Melisa tau akan resiko dari melakukan hal ini bersama Aryo. Ia tahu bahwa ada resiko hatinya akan hancur remuk oleh Aryo, tapi hal itu tidak mengapa baginya.

“Kok bisa, Yo?” tanya Melisa dengan suara yang pelan dan tercekat.

Bukannya menjawab pertanyaan Melisa, Aryo justru berkata, “Jauh lebih tepatnya, tapi kalo kangen berarti sayang juga… Aku kangen sekaligus sayang juga sama kamu.” Kalimat yang diucapkan Aryo itu langsung membuat Melisa lemas seketika. Melisa tahu tidak pernah ada orang yang mengatakan ‘sayang’ padanya sebelum Aryo. Dan dengan kalimat itu, Melisa merasa seakan-akan terbang, pipinya memerah lagi, jantung berdegup kencang tidak karuan, dan air mata mulai memenuhi matanya. Dengan itu, Melisa baru menyadari bahwa ia sedang merasakan satu hal yang belum pernah ia rasakan sebelumnya.

Ia sedang jatuh cinta. Ia jatuh cinta pada Aryo. Aryo Permana. Dan jauh di dalam lubuk hatinya, ia juga menyadari bahwa ia jatuh cinta pada orang yang salah. Ia tidak seharusnya jatuh cinta pada Aryo, karena hal ini sangat salah. Sangat salah sampai Melisa pun tidak bisa melakukan apa-apa dan membiarkan dirinya sendiri berjalan di jalan yang salah.

Bandung, 5 Juni 2012.

Sinar matahari yang begitu terang menyorot menembus tirai kamar Melisa yang sedikit terbuka. Waktu sudah menunjukkan pukul 9 pagi tetapi belum ada tanda-tanda kehidupan yang menonjol di rumah Melisa. Kedua orang tua Melisa sedang pergi ke Jakarta dan baru akan kembali 2 hari yang akan datang. Dan hal itu membuat Melisa dan Miko yang baru sampai dari Bali malam sebelumnya semakin malas untuk bangun.

Dering ponsel Ira yang berbunyi cukup kencang membuat Melisa terbangun dari tidurnya yang lelap. Ia membuka matanya perlahan dan melirik Ira yang tertidur dengan sangat pulas di sebelahnya. Sahabatnya yang satu ini memang ‘kebo’. Walaupun ponselnya berbunyi, Ira tetap saja tidak bangun dan tetap tertidur lelap.

Begitu dering ponsel berhenti, Melisa menghela napas keras dan bangun dari tempat tidurnya. Tanpa membereskan tempat tidurnya, Melisa berjalan keluar dari kamar menuju dapur. Ia membuka salah satu rak dan mengambil sebotol susu coklat yang selalu tersedia di rak tersebut. Setelah itu, ia berjalan ke halaman belakang dan duduk bersandar di tembok, menutup matanya perlahan dan menikmati angin sejuk yang berhembus di sekelilingnya.

Berbagai macam hal yang telah ia simpan dengan begitu rapi di dalam hatinya yang paling dalam dan belum pernah ia pikirkan kembali selama beberapa hari terakhir ini perlahan-lahan mulai bermunculan di otak Melisa. Ia memikirkan tentang Mario dan Aryo.

Tentang Mario… sepertinya semua sudah terlambat. Melisa tidak pernah mendapat kabar tentang lelaki itu setelah pertemuan terakhir mereka beberapa minggu lagi dan dengan itu, Melisa mulai berhenti memikirkan lelaki itu secara perlahan-lahan walaupun nampaknya ia belum sepenuhnya berhasil karena Mario kerap melintasi otak Melisa secara tiba-tiba dalam beberapa waktu terakhir ini.

Tentang Aryo… Ia masih tidak mengerti dan bingung. Aryo bisa dengan begitu mudahnya menarik simpati dan perhatian Melisa. Dengan Aryo, terkadang semuanya bisa begitu mudah dan sulit secara bersamaan. Perasaan tidak enak selalu saja muncul dibenak Melisa setiap kali ia sedang mengobrol dengan Aryo. Melisa tahu betul ia melakukan hal yang salah dengan membiarkan Aryo masuk ke hidupnya, memenuhi pikirannya, membuatnya khawatir begitu ia tiba-tiba tidak membalas pesan singkatnya, membuatnya tertawa begitu lepas setiap kali mereka membicarakan tentang hal konyol yang terjadi di masa lalu, membuatnya menceritakan setiap hal yang tidak berani ia ceritakan pada Miko, membuat dirinya merasa begitu diperhatikan, dan Aryo bisa membuatnya merasakan hal yang belum pernah Melisa rasakan begitu kuat sebelumnya. Ia membuat Melisa jatuh cinta. Semua lagu cinta kacangan yang selama ini selalu Melisa anggap aneh terasa begitu nyata.

Tapi setelah tiba-tiba ‘menghilang’ tanpa mengucapkan satu katapun yang berujung ke perpisahan, Melisa mulai merasakan semua ini hanya kebohongan belaka. Setelah dibuat terbang begitu tinggi oleh Aryo, ia langsung terjatuh. Dan rasanya begitu sakit. Sangat sakit malah. Dan semua lagu tentang patah hati yang selama ini selalu Melisa abaikan terasa begitu nyata. Ingin rasanya Melisa menangis ketika mendengar lagu-lagu patah hati melantun secara tidak sengaja dari iPodnya. Tapi ia tidak bisa membuat dirinya men­-skip lagu itu. Ia membiarkan lagu itu melantun dengan pelan dan meresap jauh ke dalam hatinya yang sedang begitu sakit dan hancur. Lirik-lirik yang selama ini tidak pernah Melisa mengerti, tiba-tiba langsung dimengerti. Kini ia tahu seperti apa rasanya patah hati itu.

“Mel, udah bangun?” suara Ira membuat Melisa cukup terkejut. Ia menoleh dan melihat Miko berjalan menghampirinya lalu duduk di sebelahnya, “Lagi mikirin apa, sih? Kok muka lo serius banget?”

“Lagi mikirin banyak hal, Ra,” jawab Melisa dengan singkat dan Ira hanya menghela napas. Ira tahu bahwa cepat atau lambat Melisa pasti akan menceritakan apa yang ada di otaknya pada Ira.

“Aryo?” tebak Ira dan Melisa hanya tersenyum miris.

“I’ve decided to just move on, Ra. Yah tentu aja gue tau pasti ngga akan gampang buat move on dari Aryo, tapi yang penting gue nyoba, kan? Lagipula gue juga sadar kalo gue ngga bisa terus-terusan nunggu hal yang sama sekali ngga pasti,” Melisa menarik napas dalam sebelum melanjutkan perkataannya, “Selain itu, gue juga tahu kalo Aryo udah bahagia sama… Yah, lo tau lah siapa. Dan gue ngga akan ngerusak kebahagian dia, Ra. Gue ngga mau ngusik dia lagi. Mungkin dia juga udah lupa, kali, sama gue. Buktinya dia udah bahagia gitu—“

“Tapi, kan, dia duluan yang ngusik lo, Mel,” potong Ira.

“Iya, gue tau, Ra. Lagipula, gue juga salah, kok. Gue yang ngebiarin dia ngusik gue. Tapi biarin aja lah… Gue tau move on itu ngga segampang yang dikira orang, tapi gue juga ngga bisa lah terus-terusan kayak gini…” sambung Melisa sambil menatap ikan-ikan yang berenang di kolam.

Melisa menghela napas keras dan membiarkan kesunyian mengelilingi kedua sahabat itu. Ia tahu kalau Ira pasti sudah bosan mendengar Melisa berbicara terus-menerus tentang Aryo, tapi ia tidak tahu harus bicara pada siapa lagi tentang laki-laki itu. Ia tahu Ira bisa memberinya banyak nasihat tentang urusan laki-laki seperti ini.

“Sometimes the person behind your smile is also the person behind your sadness.” Ucap Melisa secara tiba-tiba sambil tersenyum kecil.

“Ah, udah lah, jangan dipikirin lagi. Katanya tadi mau move on,” balas Ira sambil tertawa yang langsung membuat Melisa tersenyum lebar, “Mending kita sarapan dulu aja, yuk. Abis itu DVD marathon!”

“Sip!” Kedua sahabat itu bangun dari tempatnya dan berjalan masuk kembali ke dalam rumah.

Bye-bye, Aryo. I promise I’ll try my best to not think about you anymore. I know you’re happy with somebody else and I’m not gonna ruin your happiness. Thank you for making my days so colorful and I’m glad I gotta know you even though I ended up getting hurt, batin Melisa sambil tersenyum kecil.

Yap, ia tidak menyesal pernah mengenal Aryo dan sempat dekat dengannya selama beberapa minggu. Aryo memang telah membuat hatinya sakit, tapi hal tersebut sama sekali tidak membuat Melisa menyesal. Mungkin hal ini harus dijadikan pelajaran agar nantinya tidak terjadi hal yang sama untuk kedua kalinya.

(THE END)

Related Quote: “The person behind your unexplained happiness is also the person behind your sadness.”

Recap

HI PARTY PEOPLE!!!

Look who's back in a better mood :D Oh please don't mind my last 2 posts. I was in such a crappy mood and needed to let it all out of my chest so... yeah. Not to mention that I was on my period when I wrote that hahahaha. Okay enough about that.

What to write... what to write...

Actually I don't have any specific topic and I don't wanna rant about my weird love life like I did on last 2 post... so I think I'm just gonna tell you what happened in my life these past two weeks.

On last Thursday (July 19), I went swimming with some of my classmates. We had a lot of fun. I did about 16 laps or few before finally playing games and taking pictures with them. Because it was still around 8am (yep we got there pretty early) and empty, so we could do anything like we owned the pool hahaha. Anyway here are the pictures! Oh by the way I'm the one who wear googles in the pics below.

And on last Saturday (July 14), I had the chance to hang out with my lovely big brother. We went to Bandung Super Mall that now is changed to Trans Studio Mall in Bandung. We watched The Amazing Spiderman 3D (again). Both of us had watched it twice and we're still not bored of watching it. I mean, I really like Andrew Garfield and my brother likes Emma Stone so... we decided to watch The Amazing Spiderman 3D over Ice Age 4. Oh and we bought coffee at J.Co and talked for a while as we waited for the movie.

Coffee time at J.Co with big brother

OH!!! And on Thursday evening right after I got home from swimming, I went online and chat with the amazing best friend of mine, Amira!!! We haven't talked in a while and I miss her a lot. Thank God we had time that day to talk. And I print-screened our goodbye XD

Yeah it was already around 7pm and I hadn't took a bath yet. That's why she called me 'Miss Smelly' XD

Okay, I think that's all from me today. I don't know when I will write here again because school will start again on Monday which is in 2 days and I just started to write a new story again and I have to focus on school so... let's hope my brain won't explode. See ya!

P.S. Check this Windows Down music video by Big Time Rush. Amazing video, amazing song. Enjoy!

Bangkai

Sepandai-pandainya orang menyimpan bangkai, pasti akan ketauan juga.

Setiap gue baca penggalan kalimat di atas itu atau sekedar denger salah satu temen gue ngomong kayak gitu, hati gue itu rasanya kayak disayat-sayat. Miris banget. Hati itu kerasa sakit banget, dada sampe agak sesek juga, kuping langsung panas, dan rasanya pengen buru-buru kabur aja.

In this case, gue bukan orang yang pengen nge-skakmatin seorang lawan jenis... Well, actually, yeah. Gue emang pengen nge-skakmatin seseorang yang beberapa minggu ini lagi cukup deket sama gue dan tiba-tiba menghilang begitu aja.

I'm not gonna tell you and ramble about the whole story, tapi intinya, sekarang ini gue lagi sakit hati. Bawaannya mumet terus, pengen marah-marah, dan kadang-kadang suka pengen nangis kalo mendengar lagu tertentu. Yep, emang lebay kedengarannya, but this is true. These are what I've been feeling these days. I've also been in such a crappy mood.

Okay, singkatnya, gue itu bagaikan bangkai yang disimpan rapat-rapat di dalam lemari dan orang itu berharap kalo orang lain ga akan mengetahui gue. Dia adem-adem aja gitu, acting like I'm not existed in his world, acting like I'm a stranger, menghilang tanpa kabar selama 10 hari (yep I counted the days) dan tiba-tiba BAM! Dia tiba-tiba muncul begitu aja disaat yang ga tepat.

Jujur ini sebenernya udah ga tau mau nulis apa lagi disini, I just have to clear my mind and writing here is the first time that came in to my mind....

Dear You,

Aku saranin kamu berpikir yang jernih lagi deh. Oke you can disappear as long as you want to and not contact me for days but you don't have to cut me off like that, you know. Aku tau kamu bingung, mumet, dan lain-lain, aku ngerti banget. Tapi kamu mending pikir-pikir lagi deh. 

Kamu tau peribahasa  "Sepandai-pandainya orang menyimpan bangkai, pasti akan ketauan juga." kan? Emang kamu mau aku terus-terusan jadi bangkai? Sadar ga sadar, lama-lama kalo gini terus bakal ketauan juga. So now, I think you better think again and make your choice! 


Okay, don't mind that. Don't mind this post. You can stop reading if you want to because I'm going to stop now. See ya.

Could It Be Love?

Dear You,

We’ve been doing this for what? A few weeks now? I don’t know. I probably lost count of the days. ... Um, no. I didn’t lose count of the days. It’s been 4 weeks now. Yep, it’s been 4 weeks since the first time you text me, since I ignored you because I thought I might be doing the wrong thing, since I couldn’t think clear. 

But then, I think about it all over again today. I’m not doing the wrong thing. I’m not. I just realized that I still like you. I just buried those feelings inside because… well, you know what that is, right? Someone made me bury all the feelings I have for you inside. But now… look at what happened to us? No, not us, but you and I. I just can’t use the word ‘us’ just yet. 

It’s kinda funny if you think what happened right now. I was the one who used to watch you from the distance, watch your every move, watch you talking and laughing with your friends… but now? I think it’s you who watched me having the exam with my friends, coming into my class on the finals week, smiling to me when you have the chance to. 

My best friend said I’m a fool for waiting for you, for taking this kinda seriously, for thinking too much about this, but I can’t help it, you know. I care about you, I’m just shy to admit it. You have said that you care so much about me and you say a lot of nice things about me… Wow. You are the first person who has the guts to tell me that you miss me… and I’m just too shy to say it back to you.

Okay, let me make it quick. I like how you keep in touch with me all the time. I like how you try to find a time to call me, to just hear my voice because you miss me. I like how you keep me late at night to just watch the soccer with you. I like how we talk and laugh over silly, random things in our conversation. I like how you always say goodnight and other sweet things before I sleep. I like getting phone calls with you. I like talking with you for over 1 hour on the phone. I like how you make laugh with your own silliness. I like how you always come up with weird nicknames for me. I like every little thing about you. 

I think I like you… and I don’t know when I will say it to you like you have always said it to me in every text. 

 Thank you for making my days so colorful. 

Sincerely,

Me.

Finally Sixteen

HI PRETTY PEOPLE!!!! :D

Look who finally turned sixteen a week ago? THIS GIRL!! <:O Anyway, I just turned 16 on last May 17 and today, I'm going to write about the things that happened that day.

That day, I got 4 days off of school so my family and I headed off to Jakarta because we had to attend my cousin's wedding party. That day when I woke up on a bright morning, I checked my phone and realized that I got 2 new messages from Amira and Intan. They both sent me a very long text and wished me a happy birthday. And after that, my phone started to blow up with more texts and BBMs. OH and my crush also wished me a happy birthday!!! YEAHHH!! I was just finished taking shower and when I was about to dry my hair, my phone vibrated. Curious, I grabbed it and opened the new text and turns out, the text was from my crush!! aldhnjgsdkgfdklghnjknosd

I think I'm just going to make this short. I spent that day with cousin, just walking around the town. I helped her taking care of her sister's wedding. So we went to the supermarket, to some other places before finally heading to the salon. And we spent about 3-4 hours in that salon. I had this woman's treatment (creambath, manicure, and pedicure) with my cousin. She said that the treatment I got was the birthday gift from them and I was like 'ok'.... though I never got my nails manicured and pedicured.

OH and I got a birthday gift from Intan and my lovely big brother! Check this out!

What I found in my room when I was home from school...

TAZMANIA!!!!

Tazmania from Intan :)

 

Mockingjay novel from my brother :)

1.  I want to thank my parents. Mom, Dad, thank you so much for the wishes. I hope it all will come true.
2. I want to thank my big brother. Hey bro I know you may not read this but whatever. Thank you for the wishes, the book, and the surprise. I honestly had no idea that you'd be coming home yesterday. So, seeing you standing outside the door was really surprising for me lol XD
3. I want to thank Amira. Hey girl we haven't met in a long time and I do hope we can meet really soon! Thanks for the wishes by the way. Love you!
4. I want to thank Intan. HEY YOU! Thank you so much for the gift. You had me waiting anxiously until school over and until the filming done to just see that cute Tazmania you gave to me. Love you!
5. Last, I want to thank all my family, friends, and people who had wished me a happy birthday and wishes. It meant a lot to me :)

Like I said before, I'm just going to make this short and quick. This year, I may not have my best friends coming to my house, bringing me cake, and having a small party, but I'm just glad that I could spend it with my family. Yes, they may not have a birthday cake for me, but my cousin sang me a very short happy birthday in the morning right before we had breakfast together. But that didn't matter. The matter is that I got to spend my birthday with my whole family :)

Ciao!!

P.S. Intan took this photo a few weeks ago when we were doing our English project!

LOL!

What I've Been Up To

Hello blogger land!

I just want to welcome May with a genuine, happy smile on my face because you know what, my birthday is in a few weeks and I could never be happier than this. Anyway, it's a very rare day that I'm feeling happy for some unknown reasons like this. Because these past few weeks, I've never really felt happy because uh, you know school's been so hectic, the mid-term weeks are here, and I have a bunch of homework to do and a bunch of subject to study. Yep, what a life. All I really need right now is a holiday. It's just as simple as that.

So, I'm going to tell you what happened in my life lately (as usual). Where to start? OH! My class has just moved in to a new class room BUT this class is way smaller than my old classroom but whatever. Why am I so happy about moving to a new class? Because from this new classroom I can easily spot my crush and I can almost see him everyday at school. The things I do on recess is staying outside the class and if I get lucky, he would walk down the stairs and I could see him easily with a silly grin on my face. Okay, enough about that. Now let's just move to another topic.

With these homework and exams, I went home past 2pm almost every single day. And my Mom kinda disliked it. I realized that she can read me like the back of her hand and she kinda disliked the things I did. I mean, school has been so tiring lately and I'd go home with this tiring look on my face that I try so hard to hide but my Mom still could see it. My Mom is always like "just take a few minutes to relax would you? you look so tired." and I'm always like "I want to but I can't. I just need to finish this homework so I could relax." She also scolded me cause I didn't really eat properly or have enough sleep everyday or basically because I'm being so busy.

Then at home, I wouldn't have enough time to take a nap so I decided to just do my homework until dinner and continued it again after dinner and stopped at 9.30pm and I would be laying on my comfy bed at 10pm. That's my daily routine. I basically didn't have enough time to relax. That's why I really need a few days of break and I really hope holiday can come faster..... Oh God. JUST GIVE ME TIME TO BREATHE!!

Okay now it's time to put all the stress aside and SMILE!

Anyway, I've been working on a short movie that my friends and I made for our German final assignment which is due on the last week of May. And you know what, I've never thought making a movie would be so much fun! My best buds and I practically always have a lot of fun every time we film the scenes! There would be always these stupid things that we accidentally make during filming and in the end of the day we still laughed about it. Oh and before filming, my friends and I would dance to a random song and record it so we could mix all of these cover videos we made and put it together and... you know that video Carlos made for  Call Me Maybe? Yeah it would be like that though it wouldn't be that good because we're still beginner on editing video.

We also took some pictures in between filming or maybe before filming or after filming. Basically we took pictures all the time!

Intan, me, and Nada at Nada's house on the first day of filming.

Sabhila, Intan, Nada, me, and Ali

Sabhila, Nada, Intan

Ali, Rizki, me, Intan

The guyssss!

Sabhila, me, and... what the hell was Rizki doing?

All of the pictures above were taken on the first day of filming. And the pictures below were taken on the second day of filming at school :D

 

back: Ali and Rizki

front: Intan, me and Nada

These last ones below were taken at Sabhila's house on third day of filming last Saturday. YEAHH

Was that really me?

Yes, Rizki was asleep.

So that's all from me. Yep there are many pictures here but whatever. I just wanted to share it to you guys haha. Anyway, thank you for reading this post and I'm sorry for any spelling or grammatical mistakes. Sooooo see you on the next post and hope you guys have a nice day! 

Everybody Got Issues

Hey. I don't exactly remember when the last time posted here, but whatever. So I have a week off of school and after having second thoughts for a few times, I finally decided to write here again. Anyway, a lot of unexpected things have happened to me this week, and to be honest, I feel sad and scared for no apparent reason. I don't really know how to say it, besides putting it into a story. From this short, 1-shot fiction story, I also want to say sorry to all people who might think that I hate them, especially this girl I knew ever since the first year of high school started. I know you guys might think that I'm a coward for not saying it in person, but I have my reasons to not do that. I don't wanna make things worse, and this is the only thing that came up to my mind.


"Dear I, 
I want you to know that all the things I posted on my Twitter a few days ago weren't about you. You have nothing to do with it. It's about somebody else that clearly isn't you. Don't worry, because I have no reason to do that to you and I wouldn't do that to you. You've been such a great friend for me you know that."

Anyway, here's the story.

I sat by the window in my room as I watched the kids playing tag on the street. They were chasing each other, laughing, and having fun. While I, on the other hand, watched them from my window with a painful look on my face. I pulled up my knees to my chest and hugged it tightly. 'Cover Girl' by Big Time Rush blasted loudly from the speaker of my laptop. For the first time, I felt worse by hearing this song. I know this song should actually make the listeners feel good, but it didn't happen to me today. I felt like wanna cry. Tears were already in the corner of my eyes when the door of my room slammed open. I turned and saw Matt, my big brother, standing there in the doorway with a small smile on his face.

"You look sad." He said as he walked into my room and sat on the space next to me. I shrugged my shoulders and looked out at the street again, "You know, I'm here if you wanna talk."

A loud sigh escaped from my mouth as I turned to face him, "Actually I wanna talk to you about something. Well, not 'talk' actually, I just want you to hear me and say a few words if it's needed." I spoke and he shrugged his shoulders casually, "I've been in a crappy mood this weekend."

"I can see that." He replied shortly as he pulled out his phone and locked his gaze at the screen.

"Well, you know how I hate being called fat, right? No. Not only me, but every girl hates that. And for the thousandth time in my life, I hate being called that. Yes, I know I look fat, my cheeks are chubby, and I gain some weight. But, really? You can't keep telling me that every time, right? I know that I'm fat, okay? You don't have to tell me that." I took a sharp, short breath before continuing my words, "I'm sick of people telling me that. What's their point of telling me that? To make me diet so I can lose some weight? If that is their reason, well it's not working. It's only making me feel worse than I already was. Seriously, I just want everybody to shut up about it. I'm sick of people telling me that."

He was about to open his mouth and say something but I cut him, "What happens to 'don't call every girl fat even if you're joking'? I think people should really remember that next time."

"You're not done, are you?" He asked, turning his head to see me, and I shook my head at him, "Well then, go on."

"And I wrote on my Twitter about how I hate people who keep telling me what to do and such, and one of my best friends thought that it was about her just because we were texting about her trying to get me a boyfriend a few minutes before I wrote that on Twitter. She replied me and I replied her back that it wasn't her but until now, I still have this feeling that she may still think that it's about her. And now, I'm afraid that she will hate me and leave me alone." I rambled as tears started to well up in my eyes again. I couldn't think about it without tears in my eyes. The thought of her leaving me was... painful and scaring the hell out of me. I don't wanna be ignored and left out again in my life.

I went silent and that's when he started to speak, "First of all, I'm gonna say that you're the most insecure person I've ever known. You need to stop that, you know. Every girl is beautiful in their own way. You're beautiful on your own way. Don't listen to those people who tell you that. Just ignore them, okay?" I looked down at my hands when he said that, "And about that whole Twitter 'drama', I guess the most important is, you already clarified that it wasn't for her. Say sorry that it wasn't for anyone from your Twitter land."

I wasn't really satisfied on what he said. But I was glad that he listened to me when I was talking though he was acting like he wasn't listening. It felt nice to finally let it all out of my chest... without tears falling out of my eyes. I know how these things can make me cry, because I've done it once or twice before. I did that because I kept the things in my chest and didn't talk with anyone. I only wrote it on my journal and hoped that my journal could suddenly come alive and talk to me. So the things I did were put some sad songs on and cry. It's pathetic, I know. I can't talk about it with my Mom because I'm too shy so the only option is my big brother who lives outside the town.

"Anyway, thank you for listening, big brother." I said to him with a small smile.

"Yeah, you're welcome."

-The End-

So, that's it. First of all, I'm sorry for any wrong grammar and spelling mistakes. Second, not all parts in this very short story is real, but some of it are really happening to me. Third, thank you so much for reading this crappy post. Last but not least, see you on the next post and hope you all have a nice day!

Elevate!

HEY HEY HEY BLOGGY! :D

I have no specific topic to talk about so I'm going to ramble about how my days went since the last time I posted here. FYI, I got one week off of school because the seniors are having finals.

Okay, so I went to Jakarta with my parents on Tuesday which made me so happy and excited! The reason why I was so happy is because I know I can go to a bookstore and spend half of my day there just looking through each books. What a nerd lol. I stayed there for 2 days and I went to Gramedia, Supermall Karawaci with Mom and my Aunt. It didn't go well like I thought. I was staying in Gramedia for only an hour and bought 'Sunshine Becomes You' by Ilana Tan.

I actually wanted to go to Times or Kinokuniya bookstore so bad but my Dad can't seem to find the right time so I tried my best to enjoy the only book I bought. Anyway, the book is really great. I recommend you to buy and read this book. Believe me, this book is awesome!

Oh oh oh and another info for you guys (especially if you're a fan of Big Time Rush). So, a week ago I pre-ordered Big Time Rush's new album 'Elevate' and guess what? THE PACKAGE IS HERE! When my Mom told me that I got a package, I ran out of my room and grinned widely like an idiot. I was smiling so widely and jumping excitedly when I opened the package. My mom was like 'Calm down, Lela. It's still 10 in the morning and you already freak out like crazy' lol. Long story short, I didn't faint or lose my balance or anything..... ANYWAY This is the picture of me and my lovely BTR's album 'Elevate'

AAAAAAAAAA I CAN'T REALLY DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL WHEN I HOLD THAT ALBUM WITH MY HANDS :")

And I also rented 8 movies so I could have movies marathon at home. The movies I rented:

1. Monte Carlo
2. He Is Not That Into You
3. Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn part 1
4. No Strings Attached
5. The Final Destination
6. Stick It
7. Crazy, Stupid, Love
8. Super 8

I spent half of my days staying inside my room and watching those movies. It's been really good days though. Elevate CD, new novel, movies marathon, and writing.

Oh about writing. So I decided to put 'Fix You' on hold because apparently, I found writing crossover fan fiction more interesting than continuing that story or even continuing my novel. Yeah, I'm working on writing a novel, but I have stopped since months ago. It's just... suddenly I forgot about all the story line I'm gonna use. Writer's block sucks :(

FYI, my crossover fan fiction of Jonas Brothers and Big Time Rush is now on fanfiction.net. Here's the link to my fanfiction.net profile if you wanna read it :D

>>Click Here<<

So, that's all from me. Thank you for reading this and hope you guys have a nice weekend!! :D

P.S. ELEVATE A LITTLE HIGHER!